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Going out on a limb: getting a leg up on the opposition

It’s tough enough having to stare directly at a strangers face for an hour, but if you’re stuck in a two-facing-two seat formation, for goodness sake arrange your legs properly. Leaving a reasonable gap between them will allow you all to alternate and drastically reduce your chances of getting DVT on the 18.24 to Leighton Buzzard.

Scaling up the problem: don’t try and eat your way out of it

I know it’s late and you’re hungry, but no, tuna fish is not appropriate train snack food.

A sigh of things to come: silence makes the heart grow fonder

You can stop the exaggerated tutting, we’re all well aware that you’re angry and risk being late for your important evening of events. Everyone’s in the same position; stuck on this heavily delayed train that has now inexplicably stopped in the middle of nowhere - but don’t worry, apparently they repeat Hollyoaks on a Sunday.

Find the gap: a platform for success

Well done, you’ve correctly guessed the precise point along the platform where the carriage doors will come to a stop. We’re all very proud of you oh master of train travel, but please stand to one side, or as I attempt to leave the train I feel I have the right to jab at you with my Oyster card.

The sound of freedom: don’t be so *beeping* impatient

Finally we’ve made it to our home station. A few more seconds and we’ll be released. So for goodness' sake stop reaching awkwardly across my chest as you frantically poke the ‘open door’ button. I’m aware of how the intricate system works and I’m perfectly competent at pressing it when the time comes. Just wait for the beeps and then we’ll be free - ready to do it all again in the morning.

Chris Ambrose is a travel writer and author. His book, Clinging to the Rails: A whirlwind train trip across Europe, is out now in paperback and on Kindle. Click here to find out more.


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The perils of train carriage etiquette
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