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Soapies… Winner: England

Tears and tantrums are a strong point for both nations, and the Poms’ love of Neighbours and Home And Away, which both air back-to-back here in primetime on Channel 5 – while the likes of Coronation St and the hilarious Hollyoaks haven’t really captured the hearts of Aussies. But EastEnders is the tie-breaker – those Londoners are so bloody sad all the time we’d hate to add to their misery by not letting them win. Watch it on BBC One weeknights at 7.30pm.

Barbies... Winner: Australia

If a contest of fortitude and resilience, England would win the meat raffle every time. Sun sneaking through the clouds is barbie weather here and if the heavens open up after the snags hit the coals – for far longer than they should – there’s no turning back.

But in Australia, even snags on white bread with tomato sauce is a gourmet delight in the sunshine – and that’s before we get into the far more adventurous fare. If you’re having a blowout, get the Aussie Barbeque Company involved – they can feed 100 for £5 a head.


Animals… Winner: England

The fauna of Australia is renowned, cute and cuddly koalas (not bears) and kangaroos the most famed. At London Zoo you can get up close with red-necked wallabies and emus – do it with a beer in hand at Zoo Lates, running Fridays until August 2.

But these postcard animals paper over the fact that a lot of Aussie wildlife doesn’t want to cuddle you, it wants to kill you, from tiny funnel-web spiders to massive crocs. England on the other hand, has animals that are either very tasty (deer and rabbits) or quite cool (badgers and puffins).


Football… Winner: Australia

In Feburary 2003, Australia played England in a game of football at Upton Park. Forgetting that the game was a friendly, a decade ago and England was testing different line-ups in each half, Australia won 3-1 – by this measure, the only fair conclusion is Australia is, ahem, better at football. 

 

Final score: 5-5.  The Other Ashes is a tie.

 

 

 

Photos: Getty; BBC Pictures; Great British Beer Festival


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