Everything you ever wanted to know about the Thames, but were too scared to ask. WORDS: Trevor Paddenburg
Why is the Thames so brown?
Whopping five-metre tides mean mud on the river bottom is continually being stirred up, giving the water its poo-brown colour. The Thames is actually one of the cleanest metropolitan rivers in Europe, according to the UK Environment Agency.
So it’s not brown from turds, then?
Not anymore. But in the ‘Great Stink’ of 1858, sewage in the river was so bad that sittings at Parliament were abandoned. Fish died out completely in the London stretch of the river as factories, slaughterhouses and tanneries spewed chemicals and waste into the river.
Does anything live in the murky depths now?
Plenty. In terms of fish, there are 120 species that call the river home since it’s been cleaned up.
So would I start foaming at the mouth and keel over in cardiac arrest if I drank a mouthful?
No, but you might pick up a bug or two and have the squirts for a couple of days.
Does anyone ever swim in the Thames?
Nope, unless they’ve been on the Snakebites and taken a £50 dare, with the exception of endurance swimmer Lewis Pugh, who swam the entire 346km length of the Thames to raise awareness about global warming. Ballsy.
What’s it named after?
There’s a bit of debate about this. Most scholars reckon the Thames takes its name from the Celtic word tamesa, meaning ‘the dark one’, refering to the colour of the water.
What about the blokes who fish in it?
They catch perch, dace, roach, eels and the odd bream from Greenwich to Hammersmith. But grizzly fisherman Peter Vasey, who runs London tackle store Oakwood Angling, reckons no one eats ’em as muddy water fish taste terrible. “Some of the Europeans boil and jelly the eels. Bloody mad if you ask me,” Vasey says.
Where does the Thames River flow, exactly?
It starts in the Cotswolds and flows down the Thames Valley through Oxford, Reading and London to the North Sea.
If you threw a tennis ball in the Thames at Chiswick, how long would it take to be flushed out to sea?
The tidal effect means it would take three years, according to curators at the London Aquarium. Yep — a long time to be bobbing in a brown river.
It was pretty important in earlier days, right?
During the 18th century it was the world’s busiest river, the hub of the entire British Empire.
What was the worst Thames disaster?
Four cholera epidemics claimed 35,000 lives in the 1800s. After that, cholera was linked to the water supply and the Thames clean-up began.
Got any crazy bits of Thames trivia?
During the last Ice Age the Thames flowed all the way through mainland Europe. A Eurostar locomotive, a Concorde plane and a submarine have all been carried down the Thames by barge.
Has the Thames ever frozen?
Sure has — 23 times between 1400 and 1800. It was once used for ten-pin ice bowling.
What other sports utilise the Thames?
Rowing, sailing, punting, canoeing, and, in summer, drifting on an inflatable mat sipping an ice-cold Fosters.
What other fun could I have on the Thames?
River booze cruises are perfect for getting legless and trying to get your end wet, so to speak.
» See The River Thames or Visit Thames
The Thames – the facts
- It’s 346km long.
- Its source, known as Thames Head, is about a mile north of the village of Kemble, near Cirencester in Gloucestershire.
- The Thames has 47 locks.
- Seventy-five bridges cross the non-tidal Thames
- There is a seven-metre difference between low and high tide at London Bridge.
- Apart from snaking through the Greater London area, the Thames also flows through the towns of Ashton Keynes, Cricklade, Lechlade, Oxford, Abingdon, Wallingford, Goring-on-Thames, Reading, Henley-on-Thames, Marlow, Maidenhead, Windsor, Eton, Staines and Weybridge.
- From its source to the sea, it is estimated that the Thames carries some 300,000 tonnes of sediment a year.
Rivers around the world
Amazon: Blokes, don’t pee in it — there’s a crazy microscopic critter that lodges in your urinary tract. Amputation is the only way to remove it.
Darling: One of Australia’s longest rivers, ironically large parts run dry in summer. Kyoto Protocol, anyone?
Nile: The world’s longest river. Was home to pharaohs, now cluttered with pasty tourists sunning themselves on feluccas.
Volga: The Volga is Europe’s longest river, but you’ve never heard of it because it runs from Russia to the Caspian Sea.
River wildlife
» The Thames has been home to some weird and wonderful wildlife
Whale of a time
In 2006, a 5m baby Northern Bottlenose whale swam up the Thames to Chelsea, but died days later. It was the first time the species had been seen in the Thames since records began in 1913.
Long in the tooth
A killer piranha was found in the Thames in 2004, more than 8000km from its tropical Amazon River home. Apparently its owner released it into the river, but the razor-toothed fish could not survive for more than a few days in temperatures below 15°C.