Capricorn
LIFE
The year begins with a brief burst of enthusiasm so make the most of the first three weeks if you’re trying to change your life, god help you. After that, your energy will dwindle and you’ll be tempted to lie on the sofa in your onesie for the rest of the year. Don’t.
LOVE
Meaningful relationship? Sod it, say Capricorns as 2012 heralds a year in which shagging takes precedent over romance. From November 18 to December 26 the stars are in your favour, so use the energy of passionate planet Mars in your sign to get the party started.
WORK
It’s unlike a dynamic sign like Capricorn to be resting on your laurels, but for the first two thirds of the year you’re feeling very laid back (it’s that onesie). Luckily, opportunities will still come your way but from October 6 you are back to your fighting self and take no prisoners.
***********
Aquarius
LIFE
People call you lazy but then they don’t know about your cunning masterplan. As always, with very little effort, your sandwich lands face-up for the first part of the year. From October, however, you’ll get grit in your egg mayonnaise unless you take some initiative and make things happen.
LOVE
The sign least likely to cheat on your partner with the intern at the office party, you like to make sure love is plain sailing. In 2012, your luckiest romance days come within the first two weeks of the year, when love planet Venus is in your sign. Hitch a ride on it to find a partner you’re likely to keep for the rest of the year.
WORK
Despite steering clear of the intern, you live in fear of losing your job this year. You may never find out if your boss does, in fact, think you’re shite, but in October you spring into action and create a change of scenery anyway.
***********
Pisces
LIFE
For the first part of the year, you will be ready to gouge your eyes out in frustration with the world at large and find yourself uncharacteristically stubborn, digging your heels in for the flimsiest of reasons. Thankfully, from June, you’re back to your best, seeing both sides of every argument, and teaching others to forgive and forget. Bless.
LOVE
In keeping with the general disdain for most of the human race you experience at the beginning of the year, you find yourself short and shirty with your loved ones. If you’re single, every possible shag will annoy the hell out of you before you have time to get your kit off. January and February are filled with offers, but if you give everyone the short shrift, you may well spend the rest of the year in solitude.
WORK
Your career really takes centre stage this year, which is a good thing as you go about alienating every possible romantic interest who comes your way. You work hard, you work long, and you see the fruits of your labour as quickly as you’ve sown the seeds. Studies are on the cards too, especially at the start of the year, so sign up for courses and classes.
***********
Aries
LIFE
Sometimes it’s worth experimenting with weird food combinations (think tinned spinach and ice-cream) just to realise that it doesn’t work. Someone has to make these discoveries. Similarly, this year really is a lesson in stability and ordinariness for you – and although you enjoy it at the time, it just reaffirms your belief in anarchy and creativity.
LOVE
You’re likely to be in a stable relationship for the first six months of the year, which can’t be easy for a red-blooded, restless sign such as yourself. Fear not, the second half of the year is more like a hyperactive sensory experiment. Although your mum might call it something else.
WORK
While things don’t change massively on the work front until August, currents are shifting and the tectonic plates of your life are edging you into a powerful position. August 24 till October 7 are your dates to launch the global takeover you’re destined for.
***********
Taurus
LIFE
Around you is doom and gloom as the economic crisis deepens, unrest in the Middle East heightens and your colleague continues to crack his knuckles. Lucky Taurus, your stable, dependable nature is just the ticket to letting these things skim off you like the proverbial duck. As long as things go well, you’re happy, and when they go wrong, you trust that they’ll go well again soon.
LOVE
Don’t bother stocking up on bondage gear as this year isn’t filled with passion for you, but love is there, stable, predictable and very much enjoyable. March 6 to April 3 are exceptionally loving, so that would be a good time to book a romantic getaway or plan a date.
WORK
The whole world is terrified about the economy, but somehow Taureans have missed the panic and managed to keep their positions and salaries intact! Not to put the frighteners on you, but this could change in mid-June, so try not to spend too much on luxuries, just in case.
***********
Gemini
LIFE
Lightening-quick, you live fast, make mad decisions, and, sometimes, get judged for it. People say ‘Geminis; two faced, unreliable’. Laugh with glee when the same people eat their words this year. In July and August you’re the subject of much adoration, enjoy it.
LOVE
We can hear an 80s love ballad playing as Cupid’s arrow hits you right in the heart mid-February, and so commences a mad saga of your two personalities. You really want this relationship to work, but you have a scary tendency to want to play away. By August you make a choice.
WORK
This summer really is your time to shine. Without doing anything different, you seem to attract a lot of positive attention. Use your magical powers of persuasion at that time to secure any new position you may have had your eye on.
***********
Cancer
LIFE
Not saying that you will float on clouds of candyfloss, nor that you’ll be flung into a pit of snakes but, if you were, Cancerian, you’d be OK. Changeable like your ruler the moon, you enjoy every new experience and relish every old memory. Your flexibility and grace reign supreme in 2012.
LOVE
You’re a dreamy, loving sign, and would secretly love to float around on aforementioned candyfloss with your honey, but life ain’t a fairytale so grow some armour. August 8 to September 6, however, is your chance to be yourself so check the sky for drifting candy.
WORK
If you dream it, you can do it – that has always been the way for you. If you’re happy where you are, have fun, but no one will come and offer you a new position on a silver platter. Take some inspiration from the world around you, and dream.
***********
Leo
LIFE
If you took acid as a teenager, expect this summer to be one long flashback. From June 27 to September 1 life gets progressively weirder as you make decisions too quickly, talk too much about things you shouldn’t, and keep sending the right email to the wrong people. Slow down and you’ll come back to earth.
LOVE
Your love life is always a smorgasbord of admirers, lust objects and hangers-on, and 2012 is no different. Every month someone new catches your fancy and you’ll discover sights, sounds and smells you didn’t know existed. You meet your match in late July.
WORK
July and August are ideal months to sign new contracts, negotiate new terms and look into hiring and firing, but there’s a catch. Not everyone is being honest, so be sure to get everything down in writing and think things through before you sign on the dotted line.
***********
Virgo
LIFE
Take vitamins and don’t go on too many benders as life will be throwing missiles (albeit not all rotten tomatoes) at your head and you need to be ready to duck. It’s a real whirlwind of a year, with things changing all the time – friendships, work opportunities, even accommodation. Nothing is stable but for two short months in July and August, and then the merry-go-round starts again
LOVE
You’re not normally the randiest of the signs, so it may surprise you to know that a glut of filth is on its way. For the first half of the year, up until July 3, you enjoy a higher-than-average amount of action, with sexy planet Mars spending unusually long in your sign
WORK
For the majority of the year, work is exciting and plentiful. Co-workers are unreliable so focus on your own work as much as possible and don’t get frustrated if others aren’t as diligent as you – some people are just crap. Expect a promotion in the summer.
***********
Libra
LIFE
There’s nothing like lulling people into a false sense of security then doing something terrifyingly bizarre, is there Libra? It’s hard being the most fair and sympathetic sign of the zodiac, but luckily this year you get to be reckless and unpredictable, especially during the summer.
LOVE
Even though you’re normally a relationship person and enjoy the stability as well as the drama of one-on-one liaisons, this July and August bring an inordinate amount of temptation. Be careful, or enjoy; depending on whether you’d like to maintain your relationship.
WORK
Being rich in spirit is all very well but this year you decide you’d swap any number of spiritual insights for some cold, hard cash. October is the time to focus on if you’d like to make your money work for you. For most of the month you are seen as a good investment by those above you, so any promotion dreams or job aspirations will come about then.
***********
Scorpio
LIFE
Does being told to chill out make you want to tear people to shreds like a lion and breath fire like a furious, blood-slathering dragon? Indeed. You’ll find yourself mellowing out for the first few months of the year and it’s likely to confuse you. A water sign with a fiery nature, it’s not unusual for you to be confused, but the good news is, for the last three months of the year, you’ll be back to your usual self (if that’s a god thing).
LOVE
The grimy, sometimes-slimy bed-hopping of yesteryear is but a distant, harrowing memory and you’re happy to notice your love life is more stable. Whether single or coupled up, at least there are no nasty surprises or heartbreak on the cards this year, Scorpio.
WORK
You’re being very serious and steadfast, and sure, it bores you a bit, but by October you’ve formed a plan and you know where you’d like to get with your career. Only then will you understand why you felt compelled to be so creepishly hardworking all along.
***********
Sagittarius
LIFE
You’re free-spirited to the point of flakiness and are the star sign more likely to have a ten-year ‘gap year’. Sagittarians love travelling in all its forms so the first five months of the year, which are uncharacteristically stationary, will get you restless. You make up for it in the second part of the year by going on twice as many weekend breaks as you had planned.
LOVE
October and November bring someone that you fancy so madly, truly, deeply, you suspect it’s love. It isn’t – don’t be so shallow. The real deal doesn’t arrive till nearer your birthday and then remains till the following year, at least.
WORK
January till May are great months for laying down groundwork if you’re brown-nosing in pursuit of a promotion, making contacts or indeed setting up your own business. The rest of the year is all rush, rush rush, talk, talk, talk.
***********
Inbaal
Your 2012 horoscopes were brought to you by Inbaal, a professional psychic, wiccan witch and astrologer.
Find out more about her at inbaal.com.
