Q I broke up with my girlfriend and it’s really upset me.

We share mutual friends, so it is tough for me to move on.

It’s been a few months now since we split up, but it’s not getting any easier. What can I do to get her back?

A Soppy bastards such as yourself have a lot to answer for.

Your girlfriend probably ditched you because you allowed yourself to be utterly emasculated by her.

We men used to run the world, but blokes such as yourself have pissed it up against the wall in return for fool’s gold. My contempt for you is bottomless.

Forget about getting her back – that horse has bolted and is probably at a secluded bed and breakfast, enjoying acrobatic sex with some swarthy lothario who doesn’t speak a word of English.

Instead, you should crack open a bottle of whisky, hit a strip club, and try to bed anything in a skirt. You’ll feel better, and maybe find a new pair of balls along the way.

» Got a sex or relationship dilemma? Email dearreuben@tntmagazine.com