The Devastator Burger
If you’re looking to quit your diet in a big way, this gut busting 3300 calorie meal at the US-themed Red Dog Saloon will certainly do the trick – it consists of three six-ounce patties, six slices of cheese, 200g of pulled pork and six rashers of bacon.
£18.95, Mon-Thu, 12pm-11pm; Fri-Sat
10am-11pm; Sun, 12pm-10.30pm 37
Hoxton Square, N1 6NN
Tube | Old Street
Sexy Classes at SH! Women’s Erotic Emporium
Indulge in some serious vice this year by taking a saucy class at the Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium in Hoxton.
These ‘educational’ sessions are aimed at a range of punters, with some for women-only, others for men and still more for couples.
Learn how to have better orgasms on January 23, the key to the perfect blow job in February, the secrets of spanking in March, or save up your kinkiest fantasies and practice your pegging in May. Oo-er.
£25, next course, Beginners Guide To Fellatio
Feb 6, 6.30pm-9pm 57 Hoxton Square, N1 6HD
Tube | Old Street
Take up smoking … Shisha
So you’ve managed to quit cigarettes – well done, you deserve a reward! How about the next best thing, a shisha at Ambience in Wimbledon?
They have a range of intriguing flavours, from Skittles and gummy bears to After Eight chocolate.
Plus, unlike with cigarettes, the smoke actually smells good. Yum!
£12, open weekends, 12pm-1.30am
12-14 Leopold Rd, SW19 7BD
Tube | Wimbledon
The Beast Croydon
Try to finish ‘Europe’s largest burger’. It includes seven pounds of prime Black Angus beef, half a pound of mature cheddar cheese and seven rashers of smoky bacon.
Finish the whole thing and get it for free.
£60, open daily, 12pm-10pm 920 Brighton Rd, CR8 2LN
Tube | Wallington
These cocktail lessons are yet another reason to not give up drinking this month.
This is the opportunity to go to a mixology masterclass and learn to make your own fancy cocktails.
£70, January 19, 1pm 3 Ravey St, EC2A 4QP
Tube | Old Street
Eat Ice Cream
Indulge in a choice of more than 130 different flavours of ice cream at Oddono’s.
Their secret recipes are highly rated by the likes of Gordon Ramsay, and include kooky flavours such as basil
£3, Mon-Thu, 10am-11pm; Fri-Sat, 10am-12am
Sun, 10am-11pm 14 Bute St, SW7 3EX
Tube | South Kensington
You tried to give up coffee too? Seriously!
Well, back on the wagon with a theatrical-style historical coffeehouse tour of London. Try a shot of 17th-century black, it’ll blow your mind.
£13.50, February 16, 11.30am
Tour starts at St Michael’s Church, EC3V 9DS
Tube | Bank
London Poker Meet-Up
Why not choose this year to get into gambling? This social poker club has over 1000 members and regularly meets in pubs, clubs and card rooms to enjoy a flutter.
Buy-ins range from £5-50, so there’s something for everyone, and it’s free to join.
The next game is on January 18 in Southgate.
You must register with the meet-up group before receiving details of games.
£5, Venues and times vary
Try a 32oz steak
This is a seriously excessive portion of steak – so naturally, it’s well worth giving a nudge. Here they’ll serve up a giant ‘tomahawk’ rib eye on the bone, caveman style.
They even go larger than 32 ounces if you’re a serious meat masochist.
Be warned, though, they’ll charge you an extra £4 per ounce for the privilege.
$44, Sun-Thurs, 12pm-10.30pm
Sat, 12pm-11pm 86 Park Lane, W1K 7TN
Tube | Marble Arch
Tour A Brewery
London Fields Brewery offers full-scale tours of where they make the beery magic happen.
Find out how they make their brews, including the Hackney Hopster, Pale Ale and Wheat Beer, and then, importantly, you get the chance to sample them.
As Homer Simpson so wisely says, “Mmmm, beer.”
£10, Saturdays, 1pm & 3pm 365-366
Warburton St, E8 3RR
Station | London Fields
Eat a Giant Pizza
At Ray’s Pizza they sell whopping great 26-inch pizzas, enough to feed you and five of your mates in one sitting, if you’re not tough enough to go solo.
Hook into classic pepperoni, ham and mushroom or veggie options with crusts that are so thin you can fold them with ease – it’s almost like dieting.
The 26-inch pizzas are pick-up only.
£21.50, Mon-Sun, 12pm-12am
Tavistock Hotel, WC1H 9EU
Tube | Russell Square
Drink Out of Fish Bowls
Why have one cocktail when you can order one that’s the equivalent of 10 at Graffiti Bar?
Varieties include the umbongo (with vodka and passion fruit liqueur), black peach (with schnapps, cranberry and apple juice) or one called German chocolate cake, plus loads more.
£60, Mon-Fri, 5pm-12pm
Sat, 5pm-1am 561 Garratt Lane, SW18 4SR
Station | Earlsfield
Cocktails on Monday
They don’t have one happy hour at Caribbean-style bar Cottons on Monday, they have four.
They sell reggae (overproof) rum punch that’ll get you singing like Bob Marley and more for under £10 in a colourful setting.
£6.75, Mondays, 5pm-9pm EC1R 4QP
Tube | Angel
A whisky habit won’t just add to your alcohol consumption, but drain your bank account quicker than you can say wee dram.
Vinopolis’s masterclass makes you an expert in two hours, five single malts and a blend.
£50, January 24, 7pm SE1 9BU
Tube | London Bridge
Treat yourself to two full hours of sweet tutoring at Artisan du Chocolat, tucking into different cocoa-based bars and other delights, and sipping on chocolate drinks.
£40, January 17, times vary
81 Westbourne Grove, W2 4UL
Tube | Sloane Square
Night of Cabaret
Blow your new year’s resolutions in style with a three-course meal and night of decadent partying at glam Volupté. Entertainment will include cheeky circus, burlesque and boylesque acts.
Plus, music, magic, dance and song.
£67, January 19, bar opens from 4.30pm
show starts at 8pm Volupté, 9 Norwich St, EC4A 1EJ
Tube | Chancery Lane
Killing Kittens adult parties
Get into the swing of the new year by doing just that – swinging.
Killing Kittens hosts “exclusive elite adult parties” all over London, though it’d be equally as accurate to call them orgies.
Single men aren’t allowed – only couples and single women – and the rules state that only the ladies can initiate encounters.
Make 2013 a year where you learn something new.
You must register and go through a vetting process in order to attend a Killing Kittens party.
£50+, Venues and times vary
Drink Lots of Cheap Wine
Try the sampling machine at this ace wine shop for a bargain binge.
Charge a card with a minimum of £10, then try sample measures of a range of vinos, priced in proportion to the price of the bottle. Samples start at just 30p.
£10+, Mon-Sat, 11.30am-9pm; Sunday
11.30am-7pm 266 Upper Street, N1 2UQ
Tube | Highbury & Islington
Photos: Getty, Thinkstock, Vanya Du Toit