Got something to ask our Agony Aunt? Email sexadvice@tntmagazine.com.

Hi Kathryn, A year ago my friend introduced me to the joys of using Craig’s List to hook up with strangers for anonymous sex. The first few times I met up with someone were fun (although a bit surreal). However I’ve started to feel really seedy and dirty about my hook-ups and am sick of having to keep it secret from my friends and colleagues. Is it time to give it up or do you think it’s OK?

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Wooah lady! Sorry to burst your bubble, but I don’t think it is ok.

Every personals site, whether for one-night shenanigans or lifetime commitments, recommends following a few common sense rules to keep you safe.  At the very least, these are: meet in a public place, take your mobile, tell a friend where you’re going and when to expect you back.

“Keeping it secret” is not safe honey.

As you yourself prove, a zipless f**k may be high on many-a-lady’s fantasy list but actually getting one is a different matter.

The reason why women don’t ‘go to Hampstead Heath and meet strangers to s**g behind a bush’, as Stephen Fry told Attitude magazine last year, is not because women are less interested in sex, but we are hot-wired to protect ourselves. Why? Because women are more vulnerable to rape and sexual abuse.

It is, however, against my job description to be a killjoy, so why not investigate safer ways to have sex with strangers?

Hooking up with some swingers or attending a sex party (Night of the Senses Ball is fun and very rude) would give you the thrill of anonymous, instant sex without feeling alone and seedy about it. You may even meet some friends you could share your naughty secrets with.

My boyfriend wants me to send him some dirty pictures while he’s away on an extended work trip. Any tips for looking hot on camera phone?

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Take a look at some porn/girly mags and then do the exact opposite.

The sex-industry seems to think it’s hot is to splay oneself buck naked, whilst displaying downstairs detail on par with a gynaecological exam.

It‘s NOT!

Dark, sensual lighting is sexy so fill the room with a flattering rosy tint using candles and table lamps draped with red scarves.

Sheer or silky clothing falling away to reveal a tantalizing glimpse is sexy, so slip on your most seductive underwear or naughtiest negligee plus (let’s face it- they work for everyone!)  silk stockings.

Arousal is sexy so have a little solo session before the camera comes out, then get to clicking  once you are well and truly turned on and carry on until you orgasm – I’m sure your boyfriend will champ at the bit for your money shot!

Finally, confidence is sexy. If you are 100% confident these pics will never come back to haunt you then go for it full-frontal. Otherwise I’d say wear something that protects your identity:  A fascinator with a veil, a trilby pulled down over your eyes or simply long hair tousled over your face will protect your blushes and may well give you an extra boost of uber hotness!

 

Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium is the UK’s first ever sex shop for women with stores in Hoxton Square and Portobello Rd.  Sh! is 100% run by women for women and couples. Men are welcome unaccompanied on Gents Nights, held in both stores every Tuesday.

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I’m a 30-year-old woman and have been getting flirty with the 18-year-old office intern at the accountancy firm where I work. We’re going out on date and I want to jump him at the end of the night. Is that OK? And do 18-year-olds know what to do? I can’t remember!

Miss Cougar, the point is that you know what to do?

The appeal of older lovers is experience, along with confidence and, in the terminology of youth, having ones ‘sh*t together’.

Along with knowing your way around a bed, his body (and your own), you are not going to play games (unless he wants you to!) or run for the hills and that is a very attractive proposition for anyone.

Age difference is more likely to create awkward little moments whilst both parties are fully dressed, rather than in the throws of passion.

When there’s a decade between you, historical references such as favourite kids TV shows, embarrassing adolescent pop-star crushes or any question that starts “do you remember…” should be avoided unless staring vacantly at each other over dinner is your idea of a hot date.

To ensure your date blazes, take control. Cougars prefer to hunt rather than be hunted and in true cougar-style, you’re already planning on “jumping him” so if he freezes like a fawn, have no worries, your instincts will take over!

One word: being in control doesn’t mean emasculate! I’m not suggesting that you pull on your thigh-high patents and boss the poor boy into submission (again, unless he wants you to).

Take the lead in seduction, slide a condom his way and I’m sure his instincts will take over too.

Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium is the UK’s first ever sex shop for women with stores in Hoxton Square and Portobello Rd.  Sh! is 100% run by women for women and couples. Men are welcome unaccompanied on Gents Nights, held in both stores every Tuesday.

My boyfriend and I are having another couple over for Christmas day (we’re all away from home so hosting our own Xmas dinner). Basically, we’d like to get the other couple into bed at the end of the night and they have said they’ll be up for it. But we’re wondering how you actually move from eating turkey to having a foursome? How can we get things started?

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Thanks, Trish

Gosh! There’s a novel end to Christmas day – whilst most of us are slouched on the sofa feeling stuffed, you’re planning to roll around the sofa, getting…

I’m going to have to assume that you are two straight couples (let me know these crucial details people; I learnt long ago not to make assumptions).

So with such a combination, I reckon if you make a pass at the female partner, it should get things going along quite nicely, as girl-on-girl can be a real turn on to the male of the species (and to the women!)

It also limits any instant feelings of jealousy. Foursomes in fantasy sound fab, but the reality of witnessing your man kiss another girl (or vice versa) could make your blood boil rather than your underwear dampen.

If you shake up the norm a bit, you can lessen the chances of this happening.

The other option is to forget monopoly as an after-dinner game and suggest strip poker or truth or dare instead.

Strip poker, of course simply removes clothing, but the old toe-curling pass still remains, which is why a saucy game such as Intimate Sex Game which has sexy questions, forfeits and actions to perform is an instant orgy in a box.


Hi Kathryn, Our work Christmas party is around the corner and I was wondering what you’d class as ‘acceptable sexual behaviour’ at such an event. Blowjob in the toilet? Full on sex on the boss’s desk? Or just a boring snog under the mistletoe? 

Blimey! When most peeps merely get in a tizz over secret Santas or what to wear at the office do, you worry about “acceptable sexual behaviour”?  I can’t decide if you are a wild-child or stuck in the 1950’s!

Isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour anything that is mutually consensual and reciprocally desired?

If you and Angie from accounting, or Hamish from HR want get jiggy on the photocopier and distribute the zapped images as New Year cards, I may question your judgment but I ain’t gonna judge!

Workplaces are a hotbed of gossip and office party antics are often the subject of whispered sniggers well into the following year. Sex that may have been hot at the time can quickly cool under the harsh spotlight of office politics.

Drinking vast quantities of cheap plonk (or any kind of plonk for that matter) is often the cause of injudicious trysts. As inhibitions lower, underwear often follows…

To ensure your moans are not ones of toe-curling embarrassment, I would say flirt to your heart’s content, but keep your knickers on.

If neither is possible, then for god’s sake, pop some condoms in your purse!

I have started having feelings for one of the guys I share a house with (I’m a guy too). I’m pretty freaked out as I’m straight and have never been interested in men before. He’s got a girlfriend but I’m sure he is attracted to me. What should I do? The thought of gay sex freaks me out, but I can’t stop thinking about him.

That’s a tricky one! Not because a ‘straight’ man is having feelings for another ‘straight’ guy. Sexuality is fluid and I believe, whatever our sexuality or gender, most of us can feel an attraction to something, or somebody, other than our ‘norm’, whether we act on it or not.

To those who adamantly proclaim themselves to be 100% straight, or 100% gay, me-thinks you protest too much!

No, it’s the living together that’s the tricky bit. Coming on to him in the communal kitchen or making a pass in the porch may spark passion on a par with bareback mountain, but it may not…. and then you have to live with it, quite literally.

It’s also tricky that he has a girlfriend. I’m all for peeps exploring their sexuality, and certainly many a heady romance has left casualty partners behind, but she does deserve to be treated with respect in this.

As you feel he’s attracted to you, why not invite him out for a drink and tell him how you are feeling?

If he’s not interested, then he should still be flattered – I doubt whether any 21st century guy would act Neanderthal about a bromance.

BTW, Sex is sex. Passion is passion. There are no rules or regulations governing what constitutes “gay sex” (or “straight-sex”). The best sex leaves expectations at the bedroom door.

Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium is the UK’s first ever sex shop for women with stores in Hoxton Square and Portobello Rd.  Sh! is 100% run by women for women and couples. Men are welcome unaccompanied on Gents Nights, held in both stores every Tuesday.

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Hi Kathryn, I wanted to know what your views on bondage are. I’ve got a new boyfriend and he’s hinted that he’d be into handcuffing and spanking me but I’m not sure. I think I’d feel silly and possibly a bit scared. Should I give it a go?

Do you like massage or oral sex? Have you ever had a lover hold your wrists together and enjoyed it?  When you think about it many erotic activities are an exchange of trust and power with someone performing and the other exquisitely receiving. Bondage simply ritualizes this power-exchange and dresses it up in a fetching outfit of leather and clips.  Bondage is meant to feel a bit scary, because you are surrendering all power to your partner. You are literally at their mercy and that’s the appeal.

But if you follow two rules you’ll see that the surrender is superficial and that really, you are the person in control.

Rule 1:  Only allow yourself to be tied up by someone you trust 100%.

Only you know whether your new boyfriend has earned your complete trust yet. Don’t be badgered into bondage until he has.

Rule 2: Always agree on a safe word that will halt the game instantly if you say it. A safe word should be something nonsensical within the context of the game. Some people like to use “orange” to mean ease-up and “red” to mean stop now.

Follow these rules and you can feel free to explore your dark side, yell “No” or “Stop” to your heart’s content and feel safe in the knowledge if you do start to feel overwhelmed (in a wrong way), you have the power to stop the shenanigans.

Tip: A hot date for curious couples; Come & learn the sensual art of rope bondage with experienced “rigger” Rod Macdonald bondage (sh-womenstore.com.


I’m just wondering if there’s a male version of vajazzling? I’d like my girlfriend a Christmassy surprise. I want something that doesn’t make it look like the last turkey in the shop. Thanks.

There is a male version of vajazzling and its called pejazzling. No, I’m not making this up. Quite how many guys are going around decorating their dicks with Swarovski I couldn’t say, but we certainly haven’t been inundated with requests… I suspect it maybe a TOWIE ruse.

To stick crystals on your nethers requires a smooth canvas; your pecker area will need to be close-shaven or even waxed so yes, I’m afraid you may resemble plucked poultry, albeit sparkly.

Unless you own waxed eyebrows and a larger cosmetics bag than your girlfriend, I would opt for a Christmassy surprise with more potential for hit than miss. Adorn yourself with a vibrating cock ring  – will certainly surprise her and in all the right ways!

Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium is the UK’s first ever sex shop for women with stores in Hoxton Square and Portobello Rd.  Sh! is 100% run by women for women and couples. Men are welcome unaccompanied on Gents Nights, held in both stores every Tuesday.

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My boyfriend has gone home to Australia and I miss him big time. I’m ready for some phone sex/ web-cam action but don’t know where to begin. I’m also worried about the pictures or video getting leaked online! Thanks, Kate

Hi Kate, I’m no tech-spert (hey, you can’t be all things to all people) but I believe that with a firewall installed and a security-enabled network, using a web-cam/ skype to get up close n’ personal with your BF should be safe.

Given that performing on camera is, by its very nature, exhibitionist and to be one, you can’t also be a worrier (they just don’t go hand-in-hand) start with phone sex. Closing your eyes and imagining him in bed with you will make it easier to express yourself and build confidence. Work up to the flinging your knickers off in front of the PC stage!

Even dirty-talk can be intimidating to the uninitiated and practice makes perfect. A few bedside accouterments, such as lube and a sex toy that you can image is him, will enhance the fantasy of being physically together, as will using your non-dominant hand to touch yourself (it feels more like someone else’s hand).

Hope this helps and happy dialing!

I want to buy my girlfriend some sexy costumes for Christmas but she’s put on some weight recently and I’m not sure she’ll be into it. What should I do?

Tread carefully! Christmas, along with Valentines, is a peak time to spot the male of the species shuffling aimlessly around lingerie stores, looking bewildered whilst searching for sexy smalls.

A week after the event you’ll see a stampede of their rosy-cheeked girlfriends returning the unmentionables for being too small, too big, or too darn slutty.

Buying a surprise “sexy costume” is generally a minefield, even if your girl is a “perfect” and constant size (no women is a constant size, BTW) but it’s suicide if she’s put on a few pounds.

Shopping together is the only truly safe way to shop for intimates, but it does remove the “Oooo!” element come Christmas morning…

For an almost fail-safe surprise, I’d recommend a proper steel-boned corset (http://www.sh-womenstore.com/advanced_search_result.php?keywords=vollers+corset&x=0&y=0); Bang on burlesque-trend and whatever a woman’s size, sexy, elegant and empowering to wear.

We’ve laced thousands of ladies into them and unfailingly hear a delighted “wow” at the hourglass figure a corset creates.  A corset concentrates on the waist and that’s the only measurement you’ll need, thus pesky & bloke-baffling cup size is avoided. Plus, should she loose or put on a few inches, a corset will still fit and look fierce! Finally, a corset can be adapted to sexy-costume status. Add feathers and frilly panties for the Moulin Rouge look; Boots, mask & whip for dominatrix; stockings, a wee apron and feather duster for french maid.

Sh! is always happy to help guys find the right present for their lady and hold special Gents Nites every Tuesday in both stores especially for this purpose!

Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium is the UK’s first ever sex shop for women with stores in Hoxton Square and Portobello Rd.  Sh! is 100% run by women for women and couples. Men are welcome unaccompanied on Gents Nights, held in both stores every Tuesday.

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My boyfriend and I want to have sex in a public place somewhere around London. Obviously, part of the fun is the thought that we might get caught, but we don’t actually want to be arrested. Any recommendations?

According to the tabloids, dogging – the sex craze of the noughties – occurs in car parks across the land. So if having steamy sex in your motor, while others peer in, appeals, just head to your local dogging area, flash your headlights a few times (the come-hither signal in dogging language) and wait for your audience to approach.

Laws around having sex in public are ambiguous and the police are unlikely to cart you off handcuffed, unless you’re really flouting it.

As the possibility of getting caught, rather than voyeurs, is at the hub of your fantasy, how about a sex-sesh in an automatic carwash? (In a car – obviously!). The soapy bubbles provide enough cover to lose inhibitions whilst the countdown to the wax and polish makes this a quickie that’s super-intense. If you do decide to get down and dirty at the carwash, obviously go at midnight, rather than during the school run and watch yourself with the gear knob.

Sex and food are my two favourite things and I’m always trying to think of new ways to combine the two! Any ideas that are a bit more original than the cream and strawberries route?

Having once had my eyes pop out at a porno that involved spaghetti bolognaise, I’d advise you  to choose your foodstuffs carefully. Some foods, whilst inventive, are just too creepy for sex-play. Certainly the meat and tomato sauce of was more suggestive of a horror movie, than of a sex-feast.

What I’m saying is there is good reason why strawberries and cream etc are the preferred foodstuffs for frolicking between the sheets.

Without a doubt food play is an oral activity, but consider temperature and texture, as well as taste, and you’ll experience more than just a moment on the lips. The coolness of ice-cream on hot body parts feels deliciously thrilling; champagne bubbles in a most provocative manner; warm chocolate sauce poured onto your favourite after-dinner desert and slurped off; mints sucked before heading south to add an arousing zest.

Food and sex are natural bedfellows (invest in a rubber sheet for really messy fun, or put a towel down to avoid wet patch arguments) but remember, thrush thrives on sugar so if you are susceptible to the odd itch in the ditch, opt for sugar-free options and take a shower after you’ve partaken of your sex spread.

Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium is the UK’s first ever sex shop for women with stores in Hoxton Square and Portobello Rd.  Sh! is 100% run by women for women and couples. Men are welcome unaccompanied on Gents Nights, held in both stores every Tuesday.

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