Seven reasons not to visit Scotland’s raw, remote and desolate Shetland Islands … if you have a tame break in mind, that is. WORDS: Trevor Paddenburg.
It’s all well and good if things work out perfectly when you’re on the road. Yes, your room is ready. Ah, the bus is on time. No, there aren’t any vomit-inducing waves during your ferry ride. Sometimes, though, the real fun of travelling comes when adversity strikes – and if you’re heading to the Shetland Islands, it’s assured to do so. So if you don’t like journeying with a dash of danger and you hate unforeseen dramas, read on for seven reasons why the Shetlands aren’t for you.
» Barfing on a boat
“Aye, a wee bit of chop,” says the bloke working at the breakfast buffet as our overnight ferry ride from Aberdeen to the Shetland capital, Lerwick, draws to a close. His ‘wee bit of chop’ meant towering 10 metre swells that flung our giant car ferry around like a scene out of A Perfect Storm.
Needless to say, most of the poor bastards on our tour were violently puking all night. JB, an Aussie carpenter, did a mad dash for the loo halfway through his lasagne at dinner – but only made it as far as the pinball machine in the games room.
“Rough ride was it?” asks hostel manager Bruce Chayney, seeing our green gills when we arrive. “The only time they cancel is when there’s a tornado, about once a month.” And I don’t think he’s joking.
» Wing in the willows
It’s not just massive waves you have to watch out for.
“An old legend says you can piss off a cliff in Shetland and it’ll land on someone’s face in Norway,” says Dougie, our guide, as we try to enjoy a coastal vista despite buffeting gale-force winds.
In fact, the Shetlands get so windy (top speeds of 310kph have been recorded), household wheelie bins are put under anchored nets on collection day so they don’t blow away and even riding a bike is a hazard. It’s so windy
no trees can grow, which is why the Shetlands are covered in hardy moorland grasses and shrubs.
» A long way north
The islands are only 600km shy of the Arctic Circle (you can occasionally see the northern lights in winter), making it a long and expensive road from London.
It is also bloody cold, though temperatures are moderated by the gulf stream.
On the upside, its isolation means you won’t find the usual tourist hordes.
» Walk on the wild side
Not to harp on about the weather, but it’s so consistently grim the locals don’t even think of it as bad anymore.
“There is no bad weather, just weather that gives the islands a different slant and brings out its raw beauty,” reckons Dougie.
And there’s no shortage of raw beauty, either. The wind-ravaged volcanic islands just ooze frigid, savage, but stunning beauty, with sky-blue lochs, sheer cliffs, pounding seas and haunting moorland. Again, no place to be if a peachy
Portuguese beach is more your idea of a great holiday.
» Locals only
The locals are a strange bunch – you would be too, putting up with all that weather.
Still, they are refreshingly friendly and interested in visitors and always keen for a yarn over a pint.
» Rape and pillage
If you like seeing shiny new stuff on your travels the Shetlands ain’t for you either. On the other hand, if you fancy Iron Age villages and even earlier finds like brochs (cone-shaped defensive houses built from rocks) dating back to 2000BC, as well as the remains of Viking longhouses and villages 1200 years old, start packing now.
» Crazy critters
If strange animals freak you out, avoid the Shetlands as well. If you’re a nature buff though, you’ll find it a paradise, particularly the island’s renowned bird life, which includes migrating Arctic species and almost-tame puffins.
The Shetland Islands aren’t for everyone. In fact, there’s plenty of reasons not to go. But those who do make the trek certainly won’t regret it – just remember to pack your sea-sickness tablets.
» Giddy up
The islands’ most famous export is the Shetland pony. The animal was actually a workhorse used to pull carts and farming implements, while its thick, coarse hair was used to make f ishing nets. Nowadays, they’re largely a novelty, kept as pets on the islands and well worth a stop to pat and nuzzle if you’re passing by.
» Festival fun
Turn up during a Shetlands festival for the best chance to feel the pulse of the place.
The picks are the Shetland Folk Festival in April and Up Helly Aa, the bizarre Viking fire festival held in Lerwick every January, where locals dress as warriors and burn a Viking longship before hitting the whisky for a 24-hour party.
» Trevor Paddenburg travelled to the Shetland Islands with Haggis Adventures (0131-557 9393;
www.haggisadventures.com). Haggis specialise in trips off the beaten track, such as the Shetland and Orkney islands.
