Valentine’s Day is the year’s naffest, most commercial celebration but, however much you tell yourself you’re above such tack, you know you’ll be disappointed if Valentine’s Day goes by without so much as a dirty text. So here’s our very learned, scientific guide to getting what you want this year.

Valentine’s Day if you’re single

Brush up your flirting skills

Been using the same old chat-up lines for years and getting nowhere? Then it’s time to buff up your talk.

We asked flirt pro Peter Spalton – aka the Dating Doctor – for his ultimate seduction tips. “Make an entrance,” he says. “Before you walk in, take a deep breath, stand tall and open your coat.

“Then stop just inside the entrance, look around, and, if someone smiles at you, smile back.”

Spalton suggest homing in on the lonely person at the edge of a big group. Corner them, then open those charm floodgates.

“Compliments will get you everywhere,” he says. “And physical contact is important. Touch someone between their shoulder and lower back to create a bond.”

So where to try out your newfound schmooze? “Bookshelves and supermarkets,” says Peter. “You can tell a lot about a person by what books they’re looking at or what’s in their trolley.”

Now, shoulders back and off you head to Tesco.

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Try some magic

So you’ve tried the flirting route and you still can’t get laid? Don’t worry, there’s a magic spell for that!

“Love spell kits are our biggest sellers, followed by ‘return my love to me’ spells,” says Wicca Moon owner Shirlee who classes herself as a witch with Wiccan ethics.

But, er, does magic actually work then? Yes, according to Shirlee, who attributes her marriage to witchcraft.

“I met my husband a month after I did a love spell asking for a man with tattoos who owns his own home,” Shirlee says. “And I got exactly what I asked for.”

So here’s how to magic up a Valentine’s Day shag. On full moon, write exactly what sort of person you’re looking for.

Anoint a pink or red candle with rose oil.

Fold the paper with your wish into three and place under the lit candle.

Visualise the person of your dreams as you chant, “I call upon the universe above, bring for me my perfect love”.

Desperate? You?

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Valentine’s Day if you’re in a relationship

Become a sex god or goddess

if you’ve been in a relationship so long the only thing you throw over the back of the sofa is your coat, read on.

“Everyone should own a sex toy,” Joanna Wierzbicka from sex emporium Sh! very sensibly suggests.

“If you don’t know your own body, you can’t expect someone else to.”

For women, Wierbicka suggests a Rabbit vibrator to start with because “you can just lie back and let it do all the work”.

Men should invest in a Tenga Egg – a stretchy silicone ball with a textured inside.

OK, so once you’ve risked making yourself go blind, what’s the secret of becoming a world-class lover?

“Expecting sex to be amazing without making any effort is where people go wrong,” Wierbicka says.

She advises ladies to brush up their blow-job techniques with a Blow His Mind class at Sh! “Try using different flavour lubricants and a stimulator gel to add intensity,” Wierbicka says.

“We have lots of girls talking about their G-spots at the moment and not everyone has found theirs yet.

“Helping her out would be a pretty good Valentine’s present.”

Who needs roses?

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Food of love

Don’t underestimate the power of food to keep the flames of passion alive.

Celebrity chef Antony Worrall Thompson tells TNT that it’s all about the power of suggestion when it comes to scran.

“Figs are supposed to look like women’s genitalia and asparagus is quite phallic,” he says. “But really it’s about the effort you make.”

“It’s about making someone feel sexy and food can do this by association.”

Kitchen visits should be kept to a minimum unless you’ve got a thing for lino. Cook something simple but impressive.

“Lobster is really sexy with all that crunching and tearing and it’s good as you can feed each other bits,” Thompson says.

Try baked banana in toffee and rum sauce for desert.

If you can’t cook, hit a restaurant. Not everywhere hikes their prices on Valentine’s Day (try the Kew Grill).

However, Thomson warns meals are often wasted, as couple’s either stare into each other’s eyes and ignore the food or have a blazing row.

“The day after’s better as that’s when people bring in mistresses,” he says.

 

– Frankie Mullin