Who is the best airline to travel with?

Long haul, British Airways for me, I’m not fooled by mood lighting, okay Emirates? Short haul through Australia – I know I slag them off – but I would have to say Qantas. They have all these museum pieces they like to pull out, I was on a 676 and they had ashtrays in the arm rests. I was like, fuck me, you know something is old when it has an ashtray on it.

What about that engine that fell off the QF32 plane?
I know, imagine being the one on the plane that saw that. Everyone is watching a film but you have to be the one to say to the pilot, “I just want to tell you that your engine fucking fell off the plane, bitch.” Like hello? I love how they’re trying to be the new “Miracle on the Hudson.” They’re like “oh we are just like them because we landed safely after our engine fell off.” It’s not a competition. I bought the book and it’s so thick. I mean, what is there to talk about? You flew, the engine fell off, you landed. How come it’s a 500 page novel?

What do you think of Virgin?
Well, I heard Virgin Australia want to try and de-sex the crew, which is impossible because I say once a slut always a slut.

Any tips for flying cattle class?
I don’t fly cattle. I haven’t been back down there since the Eighties.

What do you hate about economy passengers then?
That they exist. That they go to the toilet barefoot and step on all of the piss. I hate the sound of their voices. And I hate people that sit down on the floor in airports when they’re getting a connection. Just stand up and have some fucking dignity.

What is the most creative reason you’ve heard a passenger use for an upgrade?
That they’re dead. Apparently on BA someone did die and they put them in first class – to the horror of the other people up there. In a body bag is the only way you’d get an upgrade on my airline. Unless you looked really fierce.

What’s your favourite airline food?
Well, it depends, I had a really nice salad on Qantas, I think their food is great, it’s cooked well, it’s healthy – this is in business of course. What do you get on Jetstar? A kick in the face. Some salt and vinegar chips if you’re lucky.

Best film to watch on a flight?
I like a good glass of red wine and movie that makes you cry. Especially when a flight attendant comes up to you and you’re in tears and they have no understanding why. Some of the domestic flights, like on Qantas, they just show news clips. Emirates probably have the most blinging entertainment program, the thing with Qantas is you have to wait for one film to finish before you watch the next one. Emirates staff would freak out if they got on there and realised they were still using VHS.

What about in-flight magazines?
I love them. High Life is the BA publication and that’s a good one. I also like the Qantas magazine, Australian Way. I always read them, but I also take trash to read, like Enquire, Heat, Grazia, OK, Hello. And it’s the same shit, just regurgitated. I don’t even read it, I just look at the pictures and just go sucked in bitches.

Your thoughts on the mile high club?
I think it’s a myth that people fuck on the plane, I think it’s such an un-sexy place. I mean apart from on Pam Ann Airways where it’s encouraged and there are double beds and dark rooms. But on a normal airline no. You’re never sitting next to anyone hot anyway. You always get the ugly ginger minger sitting next to you.

What sets Pam Ann Airways apart?
Well we nail the economy passengers to the seat and shut the curtains and turn up the gas. You complain that you can’t sleep, well there you go.

Who gives you the most material?
Oh, Qantas the poor things, they just keep feeding me stuff. If it’s not a guy put on hold for 15 hours, it’s a drunk pilot.

What’s next for you?
I might get into the sex industry, crank it up a bit. Why not get into some porn, I say?

Catch Pam Ann in Melbourne (Aug 17,18 &19) and Perth (August 24 & 25) or visit her online at pamann.com