Oktoberfest attracts millions of people each year. If you want to survive the world’s biggest beer party, you’d best pay attention to our A-Z guide. WORDS: Emily Colston

A – Agony
It may seem an unusual choice to start off our Oktoberfest A-Z with, but this is how your time at the ‘fest may well begin. If you’re coming to Oktoberfest on the opening day, it’s generally recommended that you secure your seat in a beer tent by about 9am. The agony part? On the first day of the festival, the beer doesn’t start flowing until Munich’s mayor declares, ozapft is” (“it’s tapped”) – at midday. Which means, by the time you get served, you’ve been waiting for that first sweet sip of beer for around four hours in a baking hot beerfest tent after a crushingly early start. Agony.

B – Bavarians
Cracking lot, the locals. Me, I’d be a little miffed if thousands of pissed foreigners invaded my town and took over my traditional festival every year, but these Bavarians don’t seem to mind one bit. They’re terrifically friendly, especially to tourists, so pull up a pew next to the nearest dude with a feather perched jauntily in his cap and get chatting.

C – Cuisine
Some say eating’s cheating, but at Oktoberfest, it would be criminal not to sample some of the local delicacies. The tourists favour the roast chicken (you buy a whole or half bird and hoe into it with your fingers) and pretzels, while the locals love their sausages, sauerkraut and radishes. If you’re feeling particularly daring and you think the stomach can take it, head to the Ochsenbraterei tent – the specialty there is oxtail.

D – Die Wiesn
You won’t hear the Bavarians talk about Oktoberfest – they know it as ‘die Wiesn’. The name dates back to the early days of the festival: it started 172 years ago when Crown Prince Ludwig got hitched to Princess Therese. The citizens of Munich celebrated the occasion with a fair on the fields by the city gates. There were horse races and general merriment, and a good time was had by all. Such a good time, that they decided to do it all again the next year to mark the anniversary, and it’s been going strong ever since. But back to die Wiesn – the fields where the celebrations took place (and still take place today) were dubbed Theresienwiese (Therese’s meadow) in honour of Ludwig’s bride. But that’s a bit of a mouthful, so it’s generally shortened to Wiesn.

E – Ein Prosit
What’s that they’re singing every five minutes? It’s a German toast and it goes like this: Ein pro-sit, ein pro-sit, gemu-tich-keit. Ein pro-sit, ein pro-sit, gemu-tich-keit” (repeat in sing-song-y voice while waving impossibly heavy glass of beer precariously through the air). While a consensus on an exact translation doesn’t seem to be forthcoming, the general gist is one of goodwill. Kind of like a long-winded, vaguely more melodic way of saying cheers.

F – FrÄulein
The traditionally dressed Bavarian babes who bring you your beers are absolutely phenomenal. I reckon they must spend the whole year in training for this event. How else can you explain how such a tiny girl carries her own bodyweight (and then some) in beer without spilling a drop? I needed two hands just to hold my one stein when it was full, yet these gals were carrying rounds of up to 10 in one go. Astounding.

G – Gratuities
Number one rule of beerfest – tip your waitress. To be served in a beer tent, you have to have a seat, and as these can be hard to come by, once you’ve got one you’re going to want to keep it for a while. So you really want to be on the good side of the fraulein looking after your area, or you could be in for a pretty parched day. If you tip well for the first couple of rounds, you’ll ensure you’re looked after for the duration. And hey, if she can lift that much beer, she deserves every cent.

H – Hofbräu
It’s not exactly the most authentic of Wiesn experiences, but if you’re here to party, the Hofbräu tent is where it’s at. It’s full of Antipodeans, wearing underwear is frowned upon (see ‘U’) and it’s a whole lot of drunken fun. It’s also the one beer tent where the ‘must be seated to get served’ rule is relaxed. By this I mean that you can stand, but you have to stand in the infamous ‘Pig Pen’. I’ll leave your imagination to fill in the blanks on that one.

I – Intoxicated
If you’re going to beerfest, unless you’re a Bavarian, you’re there to get pissed. The key is not to get too pissed too soon. It can be tempting, especially for Oktoberfest virgins, to down stein after stein after stein. But a litre is a hell of a lot of beer, and if you don’t pace yourself, you’ll spend the rest of the evening passed out under the table or spewing back into your stein, and nobody wants to see that. More importantly, once you’ve lost the ability to walk and talk, it’s also likely that you won’t be able to keep drinking, and that would be a real tragedy.

J – Joiner
As previously mentioned, the locals are a pretty friendly lot. In fact, everyone you meet at Oktoberfest is pretty friendly. Might be something to do with the social lubricant commonly known as ‘alcohol’. Regardless, here you have the perfect opportunity to meet new people. Be a joiner! Looking to get served but don’t have a seat? Get chatting to someone who does have a table and you’ll have some new mates and a fresh stein in no time. That group over there really getting into the rendition of Take Me Home Country Roads getting your toes tapping? Well hop up on the table with them and holler along.

K – Knees up
Speaking of dancing on tables, there’s more of that going on in the ‘party’ halls than in the Pink Flamingo Gentlemen’s Club. Upside? Dancing on tables can be a hell of a lot of fun, especially when it’s done with a lot of stein-clutching strangers. It has that certain get-down-from-there-this-instant-young-lady naughtiness about it. Downside? You’ve got further to fall when the inevitable drunken-stumble-on-slippery-wet-table occurs.

L – Lederhosen
Can you believe they actually wear this stuff – in all seriousness? Most men – most people, in fact – I know wouldn’t go near little leather pants and suspenders, but the Bavarian blokes can’t get enough of them. Oh yes, you’ll laugh at the first few you spot, but after a while, the novelty wears off. The same can’t be said of the heaving bosoms of buxom Bavarian wenches in their Dirndl. I have it on good authority that they never cease to be enthralling. Just try not to stare too much, lads.

M – Munich
A disturbing number of tourists to the ‘fest never seen any of Munich aside from the Theresienwiese. Given you’re probably in town for at least a few days, you can afford to take a morning off the piss to explore what is easily one of Germany’s best towns. Indulge in some nude sunbathing in the English Garden, some culture in one of the city’s famed museums or marvel at the hustle and bustle of the Marienplatz. But if you start suffering beer withdrawals, don’t worry – many of the local brewers (including Hofbräu) also have beer houses in town open year round, so you can always pop in for a quick fix.

N – Noisy
Each tent has its own distinctive soundtrack, and most of them can end up being a bit repetitive if you’re there all day, so if you’ve got sensitive ears, it’s best to choose your venue wisely. Most halls have some form of Oom-pah band, though their playlist varies – in Hofbräu and Löwenbräu ‘modern’ classics such as DJ Otzi’s Hey Baby, the previously mentioned John Denver ditty and Living Next Door To Alice are on high rotation, while halls such as Braeurosl offer a more traditional take on things (see ‘Y’).

O – October
You may have noticed that, despite the name, much of Oktoberfest actually takes place in September. Originally the festival was in October, around the anniversary of the royal wedding which took place on October 12. While there are many theories to explain the drift into September (my favourite is that the beer tastes better then), the official line is that it’s simply better weather at that time of year.

P – Purity
While I’m not going to guarantee you won’t get a hangover, the after effects of a day on the sauce at Oktoberfest are far less than if you were to consume the same volume of your average beer. Why? Because of Bavaria’s purity law, which states that beer may contain only three ingredients: barley, hops, and water. Yep, no chemicals. Which equals a lot more taste and a lot less of a headache the next day.

Q – Quid
How many pounds should you convert to euro down at the post office? Well, a beer is going to set you back around €7 a pop, but then you need to add in a couple of extra euro for the first few rounds to keep your beer wench happy. You also want to eat – a couple of sausages will set you back about €6 or half a chicken about €8 or €9. Of course, once you’re pissed you’ll decide that buying silly souvenir hats for your whole table is a good idea, so Ö Ah, bugger it and change the lot. You’ll only end up at the ATM anyway.

R – Rides
In keeping with the festival’s family-friendly atmosphere Ö Oh, didn’t I mention that? Yeah, well there are kids all over the place. The Bavarians don’t look upon Wiesn as an opportunity to get pissed, they think of it as an opportunity for a family day out. Anyway, as I was saying, along with the family-friendly feel comes the fairground. This is made up of a whole bunch of reasonably hardcore rides (as hardcore as carnival rides can be when they need to be packed up and moved on later), which are loads of fun. But enjoy them early on – too much beer and centrifugal forces don’t mix.

S – Stein
Oh amazing vessel, Stein, we worship thee. What a fantastic idea – beer that comes in one-litre glasses (known as ein Maß in the local lingo). There’s nothing like the novelty of drinking out of a stein – it’s so fantastic, you’re going to want to keep doing it forever. In fact, hey, why don’t we just try and steal oneÖ? No one’s looking… Yes, it seems like a good idea at the time, but it’s highly likely you’ll get caught in the act (security are paid to look out for would-be stein thieves like you, and you’re not being as sly as you think you are). Do you really want to risk being banned from the festival?

T – Thalkirchen
The infamous campground is the cheapest place to stay in Munich during the ‘fest, and is therefore highly popular with the backpacker crowd, thus it is also where the partying continues once all the beer halls are closed. Don’t expect to get too much sleep.

U – Underwear
It’s the Hofbräu tent rules – no bras for gals, no jocks for guys. If you’re caught wearing such banned undergarments, expect to be stripped of them ignominiously, especially if you venture anywhere near the ‘Pig Pen’. Incidentally, when planning your wardrobe, you’d best leave that nice, new, white peasant skirt in the closet and opt for some combat pants instead. It’s not going to be pretty.

V – Vast
It’s pretty impressive when you’re there, but it’s only when you look back at the Oktoberfest stats that you can fully comprehend what a mind-bogglingly vast party the ‘fest is. Last year’s get-together saw 5.9 million visitors down 6,116,300 litres of beer and eat more than 480,000 chickens and almost 180,000 pairs of pork sausages in 14 tents, some of which took over three months to erect. Wow barely begins to cover it.

W – Wine
Though it pains me to say it, it’s not all about the beer. Indeed, there’s even a ‘beer tent’ that would be more accurately described as a ‘wine tent’. The quaint-looking Kuffler’s Weinzelt serves more than 15 different wines as well as sparkling wine and champagne. With some 33,358 litres of wine and 24,952 bottles of the sparkling version devoured over last year’s festival, it’s clear that there are plenty of ‘fest fans who aren’t in it for the beer.

X – Explore
By all means go wild in the Hofbräu, even if it’s only to say you did it and survived. Just don’t forget there are 14 other beer tents and a whole host of other attractions out there to be seen. Stick with one hall for the first few beers, but once you’ve got some refreshment into you, make the effort to see something different. Trust me, if you don’t explore, you will regret it.

Y – Yodeling
Yes, there’s one tent which has a yodeler. If you don’t like yodeling, avoid Braeurosl like the plague – they have their very own yodeler, who answers to the name ‘Bräurosl’ during the Wiesn. Dear God no.

Z – Zonked
They call it a holiday, but chances are you’ll need a week’s vacation to get over it – I recommend spending the whole time sleeping. You’re bloody knackered, but by God, was it worth it. And wouldn’t you do it all again in a heartbeat? Cheers to that.”