What’s your show about?
I don’t know why I should tell you anything. What if you then anticipate what I’m going to say? What if I tell you I’m going to talk about dolphins and you come on the basis you want to hear some dolphin jokes and then I don’t do them cos I got distracted about Gerard Depardieu; you’ll be disappointed… So I ain’t saying shit…
What gag or story have you done that has flopped with an audience?
Loads. That’s the life of a new stand up comic, you’ll try hundreds of jokes and stories that won’t work. If I’m honest, I don’t remember the ones that sucked. There was this one about an anthropology-loving Oscar Wilde who had nothing to declare but his genus… homo. But that’s more clever than funny…
What’s your best moment been on stage?
Being on it…
The strangest gig you’ve ever done?
Comics were going down like flies because a bunch of geezers in a stag do were being rude. So I went on and spoke French for the whole set. No one said a word… I got a standing ovation… Still don’t know why…
Tells us a joke?
What would you do if you weren’t performing on stage?
I’d love to be a professor. Maybe one day. It’s like a performance but you get to learn and teach. What’s not to love about that? But I can’t grow a beard yet so I’ll stick to comedy for now.
When, and why, did you know you wanted to be a stand up?
I didn’t know I wanted to be a stand up comedian. I just tried it and fell in love. Maybe one day we’ll break up but for now, it’s going really well. I’m doing some real good stand up comedy coitus.
What is the oddest thing you have heard or seen this week?
The reason that locusts swarm is because they are cannibals, so when they’ve run out of food, they try to eat the locust in front of them while trying to avoid being eaten by the locust behind them. Hence; swarm!
What scares you in life?
I presume you’re not talking about that awful Eddie Murphy film. Cos if you did, I’d say “the whole film” But the real answer is nothing. Life’s just life. Deal with it.

Eric Lampaert headlines Always Be Comedy at The Tommyfield on Thursday 9 February. 8pm – 10.30pm
Web: thetommyfield.com/comedy  &    ericlampaert.com
Station: Kennington