Sitting here at my desk I started to think about what life is like for people that do cr*p jobs. Many of us spend forty plus hours a week working, but what would it be like cleaning toilets for a living? Perish the thought!

So here it is; the top ten worst jobs ever. You’re not going to believe what I found….

Deer urine farmer

Hunters often use deer pee to attract prey. If you want to go ahead and become a deer urine farmer the first thing you’re going to need (and there are no prizes for guessing this) is a tame deer. If you bottle feed it as a fawn, it will become your friend and later provide you with urine. Then comes the science bit. You need a building with a raised slat floor. When the deer takes a p*ss it drains through the floor, into a pipe and down into a bucket. In the morning collect the urine and refrigerate it. Apparently two deer can provide about a gallon and a half of pee a night. It’s a lucrative business so maybe not so bad, after all.

Worm picker 

Worm pickers get paid to go out at night and pick the juiciest worms they can find, to sell to fishermen as bait. You’re going to need patience for this job, you’re not guaranteed a worm every time you dig the spade in.

Panda fluffer

So we’ve all heard the stories of a fluffer. The one who works on porn films giving blowjobs to men that need a hand. Fortunately, being a panda fluffer doesn’t include giving head to pandas. Pandas are lazy creatures and if you want them to mate then you have to get involved. Your hand should be enough!

Presidential poison taster

The history books are full of stories of the Ancient Egyptians, Romans, Royalty and just about anyone rich and important enough having a food taster. But what you probably didn’t know is that it’s a job that you can still have today! Putin has his food examined by a medical team and employs food tasters to travel with him everywhere he goes. I wonder if Kim Jong Un has any jobs going?

Vomit cleaner

Whoever would have thought that this could be an actual job? I feel wrong writing about it. If sick is your thing, amusement parks employ people to go around and clean up vomit from terrified, giddy and drunk visitors.

Portable toilet cleaner

Not to be confused with a festival toilet cleaner, we all know they’re few and far between. Do they even exist at all? Portable toilet cleaners clean the walls, toilet seat, floor and god knows what else, as well as suck up the waste through a nozzle. If it’s the job for you, it’s quite well paid, but you’ll need the nose, eyes and stomach of a grizzly bear.

Fortune cookie writer

I bloody hate these things, but someone has to write them. To do this job you’ll need a quick wit, you need to come up with something new all the time. They obviously haven’t been to my local Chinese takeaway. I throw them straight in the bin.

Professional ear cleaner

If you’re wandering down the street in Delhi and you suddenly realise that you forgot to clean your ears fear not, there’s a professional ear wax cleaner armed with tools (cotton and a needle) not far away from you. Not sure on the hygienic conditions on this, but it’s a whole new concept waiting to explode outside of King’s Cross rail station.

Sewer cleaner

Sewer cleaners in India are paid to jump down manholes and sort out blockages with poles and their hands. Now I feel sick. The poo is put into buckets and lifted out on to the street. By this point the sewer cleaner is covered in sh*t. Have I painted enough of a picture? The job exists across the world and here in the UK it’s not quite such an ordeal. You’re still going to need a strong stomach if you’re going to get into this line of work.

Professional mourner

If you find yourself dying without any friends, professional mourners can be hired to come along and add some grief to the funeral. I’ve just googled it and there are agencies here in the UK that offer the service and before you shrug it off, they pay around £45.00 per hour. Are you interested yet?