Don’t think she likes ink: Attractive lady seeking handsome gentleman aged 39-45 for relationship. No tattoos. Thank you, Deidre. Call 07549 997 339.

Post-it prank: Amanda, stop leaving all those notes on my desk! I know it’s you! Pritesh

Odd job: I’m looking for work with widows and orphans. I have experience of running a cattery.

Hey Jessie: You were on the District line talking about this Disney sitcom that sounds terrible, but you were ace. Guy with green rucksack and a red face.

What a drain: Mark! Clean the kitchen. It’s disgusting!

Holy moly: My housemate claims to be a devout Catholic but I have proof that she is worshipping the devil in private. Should I oust her? Mandy in Wandsworth

Not-so fat Matt: Matt, we’re all delighted that you lost the weight, but if you post any more of those pouting, fish-lipped pictures, we will disown you immediately. Love from everyone that you went to uni with, and your parents x

What’s the Craig? I am having trouble pronouncing this name. Is it Creg or Crayg or Crig? Please help! 

Bus celeb spot: Finley Quaye, I saw you in Brockley the other day! You tried to hide, but I know it was you! Laura in the red coat.

Massive attack: Anyone know how to stop panic attacks? I always feel really terrible when I’m on the underground and I’d like to get over it! Sissie from Fulham.

Victoria Peckham: Posh Spice lookalike who stalks the streets of Peckham, be mine. I’m not scared of your angry face and killer heels. Nick (Sainsbury’s cashier).

White whine: Met a drunk girl at a party the other day who was proper tasty but a bit of a racist. Shall I just bang her and try to forget about it for 10 minutes? Ellis from Hampton Court

Another day in paradise: Lovely Jeanie, we will miss your smile, but we’re glad you’re finally heading home to Oz. Keep listening to Phil Collins! 

Butterfly effect: You get the bus from New Cross Gate every day and you have a lovely tattoo of a butterfly on your neck. I’m the shy girl with the pink hair. If I ask you out, please let me down gently!

Everything but the girl: Tracey Thorn lookalike seeks smug Lauren Laverne and Caitlin Moran types to trade witticisms with on Twitter. Use of capitals, the acronym ‘LOL’ and unfunny jokes essential. 

Pup music: My puppy will only go to the toilet outside if I sing ‘Backstreet’s Back’. Does anyone else have this problem? Nick from Sydenham.

Time to leave: I hear you on the train to London Bridge every day talking to your mate about how much you hate your job as a columnist for a paper. Stop moaning about it, and just go!

The unfriendly society: Hey, mean girls that dominate the bus stop outside Tooting Broadway – I’m coming for you! Helena

Elastica fan: Where did you get your T-shirt? Maude x

Stand by, Red Fox: ’Pedro’, my husband is becoming suspicious. Meet me at Waterloo on August 9 on the back steps. I think we may need to ‘take care’ of this matter.

Morning glory: Bit frightened of morning erections scaring my new gf. Shall I tape it down before bed?