Greg Norman
He was nicknamed the ‘Great White Shark’. In spite of this, all too often in the heat of battle, Norman seemed to have the ferocity of a tadpole. Yes, he did prevail in two majors – the 1986 and 1993 Opens – all the same, it’s the ones that got away that he will be remembered for. In fact, in 1986 he became the only man to have led all four majors after the 3rd round. Nonetheless, the blond bombshell ended up with just one victory. To some extent, Greg was consoled by 331 weeks at number one, 88 tournament wins and bucketfuls of dollars. Notwithstanding, when his face turned a maroon shade of beetroot after a near-miss, one always got the feeling he could have been the first golfer to commit suicide with his own clubs.
Cathy Freeman
Is it a new type of straightjacket? Is it cutting-edge fetish apparel to die for? Or, maybe, Catwoman does actually exist? No, it’s Cathy Freeman in an aerodynamic jumpsuit that makes her run as if she really is a superhero. Born in 1973, the Aboriginal sprinter specialised in the 400 metres. In the 1990s various golds followed in her chosen event at the World Championships and Commonwealth Games. The Queenslander’s crowning moment was in her own country, though, in the Sydney Olympics, when she came first in 49.13 seconds. Arguably, such achievements made her the continent’s most recognisable indigenous female sports star since the tennis great Evonne Goolagong.
Eddie Charlton
When I get a bit of fluff or static on my balls it just means me and my partner Greg Norman
He was nicknamed the ‘Great White Shark’. In spite of this, all too often in the heat of battle, Norman seemed to have the ferocity of a tadpole. Yes, he did prevail in two majors – the 1986 and 1993 Opens – all the same, it’s the ones that got away that he will be remembered for. In fact, in 1986 he became the only man to have led all four majors after the 3rd round. Nonetheless, the blond bombshell ended up with just one victory. To some extent, Greg was consoled by 331 weeks at number one, 88 tournament wins and bucketfuls of dollars. Notwithstanding, when his face turned a maroon shade of beetroot after a near-miss, one always got the feeling he could have been the first golfer to commit suicide with his own clubs.
Cathy Freeman
Is it a new type of straightjacket? Is it cutting-edge fetish apparel to die for? Or, maybe, Catwoman does actually exist? No, it’s Cathy Freeman in an aerodynamic jumpsuit that makes her run as if she really is a superhero. Born in 1973, the Aboriginal sprinter specialised in the 400 metres. In the 1990s various golds followed in her chosen event at the World Championships and Commonwealth Games. The Queenslander’s crowning moment was in her own country, though, in the Sydney Olympics, when she came first in 49.13 seconds. Arguably, such achievements made her the continent’s most recognisable indigenous female sports star since the tennis great Evonne Goolagong.
Eddie Charlton
When I get a bit of fluff or static on my balls it just means me and my partner are getting kinky. However, for the masters of the green baize it spells catastrophe! A mainstay in the top echelons of snooker in the late 60s and early 70s – he was the third best player on the planet for five consecutive seasons – was this fella. Charlton reached the world final on three occasions, narrowly getting pipped to the title by one frame in the 1976 encounter with Ray Reardon. In some ways, it was a surprise he even got onto the plane over to England where the matches were held, as he – his moniker was ‘Steady Eddie’ – moved slower around the table than a hedgehog squashed under a car tire. Undoubtedly Neil Robertson owed a great debt to this antipodean pioneer, when he became the first Australian to bring home the World Snooker Championship in 2010.
Sir Don Bradman
If anybody ever excelled at the genteel pastime of cricket, it was the ‘Don’. No, Bradman never got this soubriquet because he pulled peoples’ teeth out with pliers or put parts of butchered horses in his opponents’ beds, à la mister Corleone in The Godfather. Indeed, the only thing this gentleman whacked was the ball from the bat, usually with great aplomb. From the moment this leader-among-men – he eventually captained Australia – graced the field, it was as if the New South Wales-born ace represented the soul of his nation. In the end, the Antipodes greatest sportsman’s average of 99.94 in Test Matches – just four more runs and it would have been 100 – is one of the ultimate exploits in any athletic endeavour. Shame he got a duck in his last ever innings! All of this icon’s compatriots mourned, in 2001, when he passed away at the age of 92. A modern cricketing great worth a mention is Shane Warne. He used to have less hair on his head than you’d find on a Thai ladyboy’s legs. Then he does a coiffure advert and, hey presto, next thing you know he looks like a Wookiee!
Rod Laver
At a time when Australians dominated the tennis circuit, Rod ‘the Rocket’ Laver was head-and-shoulders above any other. With a supreme serve-and-volley game and aggressive groundstrokes, the left-hander became the only male to twice do the Grand Slam (1962 and 1969). Albeit, that was when three out of the four championships were on grass. This Queenslander’s backhand was sheer poetry in motion to the extent that Pete Sampras modeled his own on it. And by the time the red-haired marvel had hung-up his rackets, more than 200 tournament trophies had been lifted.are getting kinky. However, for the masters of the green baize it spells catastrophe! A mainstay in the top echelons of snooker in the late 60s and early 70s – he was the third best player on the planet for five consecutive seasons – was this fella. Charlton reached the world final on three occasions, narrowly getting pipped to the title by one frame in the 1976 encounter with Ray Reardon. In some ways, it was a surprise he even got onto the plane over to England where the matches were held, as he – his moniker was ‘Steady Eddie’ – moved slower around the table than a hedgehog squashed under a car tire. Undoubtedly Neil Robertson owed a great debt to this antipodean pioneer, when he became the first Australian to bring home the World Snooker Championship in 2010.
Sir Don Bradman
If anybody ever excelled at the genteel pastime of cricket, it was the ‘Don’. No, Bradman never got this soubriquet because he pulled peoples’ teeth out with pliers or put parts of butchered horses in his opponents’ beds, à la mister Corleone in The Godfather. Indeed, the only thing this gentleman whacked was the ball from the bat, usually with great aplomb. From the moment this leader-among-men – he eventually captained Australia – graced the field, it was as if the New South Wales-born ace represented the soul of his nation. In the end, the Antipodes greatest sportsman’s average of 99.94 in Test Matches – just four more runs and it would have been 100 – is one of the ultimate exploits in any athletic endeavour. Shame he got a duck in his last ever innings! All of this icon’s compatriots mourned, in 2001, when he passed away at the age of 92. A modern cricketing great worth a mention is Shane Warne. He used to have less hair on his head than you’d find on a Thai ladyboy’s legs. Then he does a coiffure advert and, hey presto, next thing you know he looks like a Wookiee!
Rod Laver
At a time when Australians dominated the tennis circuit, Rod ‘the Rocket’ Laver was head-and-shoulders above any other. With a supreme serve-and-volley game and aggressive groundstrokes, the left-hander became the only male to twice do the Grand Slam (1962 and 1969). Albeit, that was when three out of the four championships were on grass. This Queenslander’s backhand was sheer poetry in motion to the extent that Pete Sampras modeled his own on it. And by the time the red-haired marvel had hung-up his rackets, more than 200 tournament trophies had been lifted.
Tony David
One can only wonder if darts was invented by bored acupuncturists who got fed up of sticking their small pricks in peoples’ bottoms, so opted for a board instead. Let’s not kid ourselves that these expert tossers are über-athletes, because most of them look like they would have a cardiac arrest just running a bath. Despite this, Queenslander David really caused a stir Down Under when he became the first Aussie to be victorious in the World Championships, in 2002. His triumph was accomplished despite suffering from haemophilia, which to some extent restricted his throwing action. Yet, how come a man with such a ridiculous nickname – the Deadly Boomerang – could duff-up a horror film-like list of foes called Wolfie, the Count and the Menace?
Ian Thorpe
I probably couldn’t even run as fast as this guy can swim, unless one of my ex’s was chasing after me with a rolling pin. Apparently parts of the freestyler’s anatomy are so humongous that he regularly makes girls scream. But who wouldn’t holler at Thorpe’s toes and the size 17 feet they are attached to? Of course, his huge frame advantage and powerful kick meant he had a big advantage over other competitors as a junior and later on in his career. Ironically, the Sydneysider would not have won any of his five Olympic golds and various other championship medals, if he had not been able to overcome his allergy to chlorine as a youngster. The Thorpedo is currently training hard, hoping to make a comeback at London’s 2012 Olympics.
Margaret Court
The first Wimbledon Championships were held in 1877. Since then, there has probably never been a finer female exponent of tennis on that surface (grass) or any other than Margaret Court. Born in Alsbury, in New South Wales, in 1942, she was the first Australian to claim a singles title at the All England Club, in the early 60s. By the time she had retired, this feisty lady’s gutsy approach garnered 24 Grand Slam singles titles and 62 overall. But, maybe, she spent a little bit too long chasing down drop shots and lobs in the sun; since becoming a pastor, she controversially said homosexuals commit “sins of the flesh” and can be “changed”. Righty oh!
Jack Brabham
Let’s face it, watching Formula One is usually about as exciting as counting the perforations in a tea bag. In fact, my dear old gran was so tired of it all that she used to fall asleep in her armchair and dribble all over her pussy. Her cat, of course! One chap who did put the brum, brum into this event, though, was mister Brabham. He won the World Championship on three separate occasions (1959, 1960 and 1966). On the last, he became the only driver to pull off this feat in a racing team – it bore his own name – that he had set-up himself. From 128 races, this gifted speedster attained 14 first places on the podium.
David Campese
My memories of school rugger don’t stretch much further than gouged eyes, drop kicks and concussions. And that was what our coach did to us before a match just so he could get his point across. Lovely fella! David Campese didn’t mess about either. With flair, dare and eloquence, the uncompromising rugby union winger was a figure to be reckoned with when he starred for the Wallabies, in the late 80s and early 90s. Despite eventually appearing in 101 tests for his country, ‘Campo’s’ defining moment was being voted player of the tournament as he led them to 1991 World Cup glory. Maybe there would be more like him, if all the Sheilas in Oz weren’t farting about in Aussie rules football!
Joe Bugner
And if we are talking about sporting greats, who can forget Joe Bugner? No, not because he is one, but due to the fact that he somehow succeeded in getting in the ring with two of them, Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier. He was born in Hungary, yet, now holds triple nationality, also being a naturalized citizen of Australia and Great Britain. Before he even started to box his face looked so battered it resembled a piece of haddock in a scrunched up fish and chip packet. This guy was never cut out to be a supermodel. Still, inside the ropes the fighter made the most of his limited abilities and had enough grit to win the British, Commonwealth and European heavyweight titles in 1971, in a disputed success over Henry Cooper.
