Q I’ve finally plucked up the courage to ask a girl on a date, but have no clue where to take her. Please help me with some ideas.

A Who goes on actual dates apart from people on TV? Take her to a barbecue and hope she drinks enough to make some bad decisions.

But if you must take her out, I recommend the dog track; it will test for the resilience required for childbirth and other manual labour.

You’ve got to find a woman you can rely on in the trenches. I mean, if you’re pinned down behind enemy fire, using your helmet as a latrine, you don’t want a chick who’s whinging about her sore feet, and then flies off the handle when you remind her that, “Hey, we’re running a counter-revolutionary militia here – you should have worn your sensible shoes.”

A first date at the track screens out weak constitutions that will land you in a floating bamboo cage with barracuda snapping at your perineum.

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