Q. I’ve started seeing a girl recently but have found out my brother slept with her a few years ago. What should I do?
You and your brother clearly have unresolved issues, some of which I’m sure are vaguely homoerotic.
I have some experience in this area – during the ’80s, I ran bonding sessions for rugby players. These men needed to express their mutual love but, as it was taboo to touch and enjoy each other’s bodies, they needed a conduit – and that’s where I came in.
With me as the focal point, the men – sometimes four or five at a time – were able to experience arousal in each other’s presence, without their tenuous heterosexuality being compromised.
You and your brother need to re-connect. In Adelaide, my home town, carnal relations between relatives have been banned for nearly two years.
But, for a fee, I can be your facilitator. Bring your girl, too; no charge. She might learn some new tricks.
Sibling rivalry can be truly corrosive. I come from a big family – I’m the eldest of 12 boys – and the second-youngest Joseph, was always my father’s favourite.
In those days, fine clothes were rare, so when our dad gave Joseph an expensive, shiny jacket, my brothers grew insanely jealous and plotted to kill Joseph and steal the shiny jacket.
I persuaded them to just throw Joseph into a pit instead; I intended to rescue Joseph later but, before I could return, one of my other brothers, Judah, sold Joseph to a passing tribe of Ishmaelites for 20 silver shekels.
I’d wager your brother has a shiny jacket, possibly one with badges, that he uses to impress girls. You need to throw him into a pit and steal that jacket.
That’s the only way to prevent him sneaking through a tear in the space-time fabric to retroactively shag the girls you fancy.
» Got a sex or relationship dilemma? Email dearreuben @tntmagazine.com