Unless you live on the moon, or under a rock (presumably you were adopted by a couple of career-minded woodlouse who only realised once it was too late that there was something missing in their lives. They raised you as their own, teaching you how to eat shit and scuttle around indiscriminately like they’ve been doing for 50 million years ago, but as you grew up you became of aware of a nagging feeling, the unshakable sense that you’re just not quite like everyone else…), you will have heard the news that our feudal overlords have strengthened their numbers with a newborn son, the future King of England and the Commonwealth George Something Something Something (and despite being on the earth for not even a week he’s already richer than you!).
Kate Middleton, The Duchess of Cambridge, was ‘delivered of a son’ George Alexander Louis to the wonderment of the British press and the mock reverent bemusement of the world media .
And whilst we all did that terribly English thing of saying “How awful” all the press attention must be for them, many of us were wondering: I wonder what my royal baby name would be?
You didn’t? Well are you now? Well do it now then. We’ll wait… So, good, now you’ve wondered what your royal baby name would be we’ll unveil to you the way to calculate it.
Take your Granddad’s name (Edward) your high school’s name (Wellington) your street name (Swithen) and your first pets name but spell it backwards, for one of those ludicrous, unpronounceable posh names (Rednuht)
The author’s royal baby name therefore is: Edward Wellington Swithen Rednuht.
Now, once you’re over that, which we’re sure was a rewarding experience, why not talk working out all your other names:
But for Pete’s sake don’t post them in the comments a) no one care b) apart from identity thieves.
Your road name PLUS your surname
= Swithen Faulkner
Porn star name:
Your first pet’s name PLUS your mum’s maiden name
= Thunder Thacker
Guardian columnist name:
Your primary school name PLUS Rusbridger-(your favourite Today Programme presenter’s surname)
= Cloverlea Rusbridger-Montague
Telegraph blogger name:
Your favourite character from Thomas the Tank Engine PLUS the season of your birth addition of bottom (if outside the M25) or botham (if inside)
= Percy Springbotham
Gangster rap name:
The first syllable of your first pet’s name suffixed with a zed PLUS your gran’s pet name for you
= Thunz Trouble
Frano existential novelist name:
The French equivalent of the football club you support’s manager’s name PLUS your favourite animal noise (with accents applied to all vowels) ethes/os/re (whichever you feel works best)
= Alexei Báhre