It is not so much lard ass but lard all over, all correctly proportioned of course, as these 115kg to 230kg-plus titans push, slap and heave into action.The main object of a bout is to use your own body mass to somehow get your opponent out of the 4.55-metre diameter ring. Yet, this is no easy task when it appears as if he could comfortably fill half a skip, as impressed by size-oriented competitor nicknames such as the ‘The Dump Truck’ (Konishiki Yasokichi). No doubt, my non de plume would be ‘Thunder Thighs’. Actually, it is one of the hugest – no pun intended – honours in the nation to be classed in the ranks of these über-hunks. Even so, please, can someone tell these guys to tone down the day-glo (orange and acid-lime are de rigueur) thongs.

However, Tokyo is not just a size-queen when it comes to its sporting figures – it also boasts the planet’s largest wholesale fish and seafood market (Tsukiji). There, a plethora of buildings with grey, aqua and red-sloped roofs seem to effortlessly merge into a quarter circle-shaped development that has the feel of a racetrack corner. And speed is vital in this place, too, as at 3am every morning the staff have to lay out the slippery ocean creatures in preparedness for auction. Once it begins, there’s more haggling and commotion than if you chucked a pair of Justin Bieber’s boxer shorts into a group of his fans. As well as glimpsing this bartering frenzy in the distinct inner bazaar or zone (jonai shijo), sightseers can part with their yen in numerous retail shops and restaurants in an outer area (jogai shijo).

With all this talk of food, I bet you are feeling more ravenous than a polar bear that’s just about to wolf down a sea lion. Well, Tokyo is definitely the right place to satisfy your appetite, especially if you fancy a slightly unusual themed dining or drinking experience. And a better one cannot be had than in the Vampire Café. The motif, here, is the underworld’s most fangtastic wonder, Dracula. Thus, Italian and French gourmet is served in a Gothic red-bathed interior with Victorian-era candles. There’s even a coffin – so you know where to get rid of your date if they are starting to become a bit annoying.

Alternatively, you could always leave them in Shibuya District’s Lock Up. This Japanese izakaya (pub) has a unique haunted prison concept, so expect test tube cocktails, uniformed mini-skirted staff, handcuffs and cells. Hold on a minute, that sounds like my bedroom just before lights out! Alice in Wonderland and ninja styled-joints are also up there for wackiness when it comes to venues for grub.

Perhaps the oddest of all is the eatery called The Office, which is actually based on the workspace none of us enjoy spending too much time in. Ricky Gervais might not be in attendance, but your environs do include anglepoise lamps, bookshelves, desks and photocopiers. Just make sure you don’t choke on the drawing pins. I am not going to say I am lonely, but my trip here did not feel complete until I made a new friend. In spite of him being a bit bizarre and rather different from me – segmented and encased in formaldehyde – the Meguro Parasitological Museum’s 8.8 metre-long tapeworm seemed rather chummy. Satoru Kamegai established this creepy archive in 1953: a local doctor, he had been worried by the increasing number of animal kingdom freeloaders and hangers-on (often, literally) his patients were being infected with due to unsanitary post-World War II conditions.

On the first floor, you can get a general overview of the insipid intruders in question; while the next level up showcases their life cycles and has over 300 notable examples. Close-up, half of them, especially the blood flukes and nematodes, hint that they could be the star if John Carpenter ever decides to produce another horror movie. Nevertheless, one specimen I cannot believe is missing is my former partner, as he is the biggest leech I know.

Heard the one about how many Xavs (that’s me) it takes to change a light bulb? Probably not. Well, my friends think I am so dim, they say that, even if they brought in human cloning technology, there’d never be enough of us. However, despite not being the cleverest dude, I know a neighbourhood that really puts the spark into everything electronic, Akihabara (‘Field of Autumn Leaves’). Dating back to the 1940s, it’s a splurge of high-rises plastered with colourful billboards selling just about every electric gadget and contraption you can think off. And many more you might never have dreamed up: phantom computer mice for secret surfing, battling robots and slippers with the ability to connect to your PC or Mac so they can be warmed up etc. They even have multi-tasking toilet seats capable of washing, drying, heating and singing.

They would probably have to learn how to scream if I sat on one and dropped one of my customary Diplodocus-sized stinkers! And surely, whatever delightfully eccentric quirks this metropolis throws at you, you can’t find anything weirder than that!