With Easter upon us, it is time to sit back and really think long and hard about what this time of year means.

For some this is a time of reflection upon the suffering and ultimate sacrifice of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. For others (predominantly children and fatties) it’s a chance to seriously indulge a sweet tooth by stuffing down chocolate bunnies, bilbies and eggs of all shapes and sizes. 

However, for those of us who haven’t spent our lives being indoctrinated into a bizarre, monotheistic cult or are older than five years of age, Easter is about one thing: the four day weekend.

Us working men and women get a whole four days off and that can only mean one thing: alcohol and lots of it. Of course we all know that with great drinking, comes great hangovers.

With that in mind we’ve put together a list of our top five hangover cures so you can properly enjoy your long weekend and still make a comeback worthy of Lazarus on the Tuesday.

May God help us all…

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Bloody Mary, mother of mercy

Some mornings you just have to fight fire with fire, so to speak. Meet your hangover head on, cut it off at the pass! This is known colloquially as the hair of the dog method –  alleviating a hangover simply by drinking more alcohol. A shrewd tactic to be sure, but unless you live somewhere particularly unsavoury, drinking heavily before midday on a Sunday or Monday is considered uncouth – even on long weekends. Staff at respectable beach bars and cafes alike will look at you somewhat askew if you start trying to order a Sex on the Beach or a Cocksucking Cowboy through cracked, parched lips at half nine in the morning. If you order a Bloody Mary, though, nobody will say a thing. It’s practically a license to have vodka for breakfast. Whoever invented that drink is a bloody genius!

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Eggs Benedictine

Ah, yes. The greasy fry-up the morning after the night before is one of life’s great pleasures. Nothing gets the taste of sour smoke and half a case of cheap, stale beer out of the back of one’s throat like crispy bacon and Hollandaise sauce. If Eggs Benedict sounds a bit too ‘continental’ why not just go for your full English fry up? Fried eggs, bacon, sausage, baked beans, tomato… What better way to knife and fork away the alco-sweats than with a little saturated fat salvation. There’s a little bit of science at play here behind the immediate tummy filling tastiness. Bacon and sausages are perfect for restoring sugars and salts to the body, while eggs are even better as they contain cysteine, which breaks down alcohol. Chuck a freshly brewed pot of dark, brown coffee into the mix and the chances are you’ll be feeling all brand new and sober as a sitting judge. That’s not to say that this is something you should be wolfing down before work everyday… Unless you’re some sort of professional triathlete or you just want to get really fat

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Walking on vitamin water

Yes, things like vitmain water, coconut water, wheatgrass juice and spirulina may be a bit on the faddy side – a bit too Bondi Hipster if you like – but they do work. My sister goes to the gym all the time and if she’s not blending her daily serving of banana and protein with a little freshly slicked blue-green algae, she’s doing shots of wheatgrass juice. I figure the only reason people shoot wheatgrass is because it’s the closest thing a lot of them get to doing shots of something fun like tequila or absinthe. It tastes just as bad, anyway. Coconut water is full of potassium and other minerals that your body needs to function, while vitamin water give you all the Vitamin C and B you need in something you can actually drink in vague comfort. Still, if you are a bit like me and think that all the healthy juice isn’t really worth the squeeze you can just grab a bottle of blue Powerade. It’s isotonic for a start (whatever that means) and it’s full of sugar, so it’s delicious! Hmmmmm, sugar.

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Chemically divine intervention

Yes in this next segment we’ll be talking about drugs, but for God’s sake keep your halo on! Everything discussed here is perfectly legal and available over the counter at your local pharmacy. Indeed, where I live the chemists have learnt to read the signs: if I walk into their store on a Sunday morning carrying a large cup of coffee wearing a pair of sunglasses they know to reach straight for the extra strength Paracetamol and the jumbo bottle of Listerine. Taking your pain killers the morning after will no doubt shorten your period of suffering substantially but the trick is (if you can remember) to try and take them before you pass out face down in a pile of vomit. That way you’ll wake up fresh as a daisy… So long as you don’t choke first. Very John Bonham!

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The day of rest

“And on the fourth day of his bender he did lie face down in his bed and saw that it was good.” I’m sure that’s a passage that didn’t quite make it into The Bible (it’s been a while since I read it) but it is the best part about the long weekend. Recovery Monday as I like to call it. Curl up in a ball on the sofa, with a fan on my face, sobbing dryly and eating ice cream straight from the tub while watching seasons 5 through 9 of Seinfeld, pausing occasionally to hobble to the fridge or the bathroom. This is a time honoured tradition and one that has seen me through a few tough spots. Happy Easter, my little cherubs!