Q. I get erections in really embarrassing situations – at the office, on public transport, in line at the chemist – can you suggest any way for me to control it?

Ruby says: There’s nothing wrong with guys who get hard easily – you can come off the bench to replace my last husband any time. I tried all kinds of depraved things to keep him interested but he was just too vanilla for me.

You, on the other hand, sound like much better value, albeit a bit repressed, to the point where you’re now obsessed with getting off in public. The office and public transport are familiar, almost archetypal, fantasies, I suppose – but in line at a chemist? What’s that about? Is it the gloves they wear? Now that I think about it, it’s kinda hot after all.

You’ve got many years ahead of you when you’ll need an elastic band and a warm sponge to get it up, so my advice is to exult in each of your casual hard-ons while you can.

Dear Reuben

Reuben says: In Greek mythology, the deity Priapus was identified by his enormous, permanent erection, caused by a ‘curse’ placed on him by Hera while still in Aphrodite’s womb.

In one amusing tale told by Ovid, Priapus once tried to have sex with a sleeping nymph but became so distracted by the braying of a nearby ass that he lost his hard-on at the critical moment. According to Ovid, Priapus punished the ass by clubbing him to death with his giant phallus. What a way to go.

So, next time you get an erection at an inopportune time, try imagining the braying of an ass; or, along the same lines, picture Jonathon Ross’s stupid face or the English cricket team doing their ridiculous ‘sprinkler dance’ after retaining the Ashes. Actually, scratch that last one – intense grief can also induce erections.

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