Q.  I really want my boyfriend to come to Christmas with my family but he won’t commit. It’s our first year together and I really want him to spend it with my parents and siblings. How can I persuade him?

Reuben says:  Television teaches us that Christmas is a time for miracles but, in my experience, Christmas is a time for disappointment.

When I was a child, my family had very little money but Christmas remained a time of great happiness. But then, one Christmas Eve, my father lost his job at the tar works. My parents argued all night, while I sat in the shower with the taps on full blast to drown out the sound. They separated soon after and now, every Christmas, after I come home from the strip club, I curl up in the shower and weep for my lost innocence.

Instead of strong-arming your boyfriend into spending Christmas with your family, why not just be thankful for the family you have? For some of us, Christmas is nothing but a reminder of all the cherished things the world has stripped away.

Dear Ruby

Ruby says: How utterly nauseating. You’ve been together for five minutes and you’re already trying to force your in-laws down his throat. Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t stick around for a second festive season.

If he doesn’t want to come, why don’t you just zip it instead of throwing your toys out of the pram like some cartoonish little “but I want it now” princess?

What’s so special about Christmas anyway? Do you think he’s more likely to fall in love with you once he’s seen you screeching like a harpy every time you open another crap present?

Remember that Christmas is not about getting your own way. It’s about bribing the godless to tacitly observe Christianity.

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