Q. I find I can’t fully commit to relationships with women. I’ll see a girl for a few months and then either sabotage it or just move on. How can I change?

Ruby says: Are you sure you’re not gay? Whenever a guy has broken up with me, it’s because they’ve been gay.

Redmond, a guy I dated in school, dumped me at our formal. He said he liked men, which was weird because he hooked up with Vanessa Blainey at the after-party.

I’ve been with guys who were still closeted but, having been gun-barrel straight all their lives, turned as soon as we broke up. I’m proud to say I was the last woman they ever slept with. One you’ve climbed Everest, molehills don’t inspire.

I’ve also been with secret gays who kept seeing girls after we broke up. Any red-blooded man would mortgage his prostate for a night with me; ergo, they were gay.

Like those guys, maybe you can’t keep a good woman happy because you’re gay. Suck it and see.


Reuben says: When I was at boarding school in Hong Kong, I was acutely affected by crippling homesickness. It was then that I discovered I am one of the gifted elite capable of autopederasty – the sexual act of inserting one’s erect penis into one’s own bum. Few men possess the necessary elasticity.  I guess what I’m saying is that I found a way to love myself and it’s totally enriched both my soul and my sex life. Maybe it’s time you found a way too.

Ultimately, I think your problem is about self esteem. Whenever I’m feeling down, I write a list of all the things I like about myself and store them in my Self Love Shoebox that I keep under my bed. I’ve been keeping it since I was about six years old and now it’s overflowing with all the best things I’ve noticed about myself in the many years since.

I used to put them up on my fridge, but my housemates bagged me mercilessly and then asked me to move out. Bastards.

» Got a sex or relationship worry? Email dearreuben@tntmagazine.com