Q. I have a weird ailment where one of my balls is much bigger than the other. I’ve been seeing a girl but I’m scared to have sex with her. What should I do?
Reuben says: I once had an affair with a gypsy girl who was already married. In
revenge, her husband’s family placed an ancient ‘kazoo curse’ on me.
When men afflicted by this vicious gypsy sex curse reach orgasm, it is
accompanied by the sound of a kazoo – a foul blast from a tiny trumpet
– at the point of ejaculation.
I wandered alone for years, with crippling sexual inadequacy my only companion.
Whenever I found comfort in the arms of a woman, the ugly parp of the
kazoo would intrude, shattering our intimacy, our ecstasy replaced with
shame and recrimination.
Desperate, I returned to the gypsies who cursed me. There, I found my
gypsy mistress. She had left her husband and told me she still loved
me, in spite of my curse. And, as we lay together once again, in
miraculous silence, the kazoo curse was lifted. True love conquers all.
Ruby says: If I had a dollar for every man who tried use a weird sexual disorder to get out of having sex with me, I’d be a rich woman – a corrupt Russian oligarch, even, now that I think about it.
“Sorry Ruby, one of my balls is too big. Sorry, I have four nipples. Sorry, I have a prolapsed sphincter. Sorry, my vans deferens are way too sore after a weekend of off-road trailbike riding.”
I’ve heard them all but, honestly, sometimes you just have to stop crying about your lame sexual dysfunction and instead sack-up and satisfy a woman’s carnal needs.
Besides, some women are into guys with testicle issues. I was once sleeping with a Shaolin monk who was able to suck his tackle up into his body, like a tortoise retreating into its shell. Best foreplay ever.
» Got a sex or relationship worry? Email dearreuben@tntmagazine.com
