Q. I’m in my mid-20s but haven’t been able to get an erection for two weeks. My girlfriend is becoming suspicious. What should I do?

Reuben says: I once had a girlfriend who insisted I undergo hypnosis to treat my erectile dysfunction. I was told that, whenever I had trouble with my gear, I should retreat to the world of my adolescence, to the time of my earliest sexual awakening. You should do the same.

Remember that film, The Neverending Story? And the big fluffy dog who could fly, aka Falkor the Luckdragon?

Now I just close my eyes and think back to when I first saw that film. I imagine that my organ is Falkor and that I am just gently tearing his ears off. It never fails to get me going.

Unfortunately, though, my girlfriend didn’t stick around. My insistence on calling her ‘the Childlike Empress’ during sex, while demanding she refer to me only as ‘Atreyu, hunter of the purple buffalo’, proved a bridge too far. She left me to drown, like Artax, in my own Swamp of Sadness.

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Ruby says: I used to run my own detective agency/sex therapy clinic from a small office above a laundromat. And, every week, I’d treat dozens of guys who couldn’t get it up.

I would try all kinds of things to get them hard but I eventually came across the ancient Middle Eastern practice of taqaandan, which comes from a Kurdish word meaning “to click”.

It entails holding the shaft and literally popping the top half sideways, as though cracking one’s knuckles. Sometimes, it gives a guy a raging hard-on. But, other times, it can result in a penile fracture, which, unless surgically repaired, leads to permanent impotence.

So it’s time to roll the dice, champ. Live as a girly eunuch or snap your member like a glow-stick in the hope it lights up.