Q. I had a holiday fling with a guy and he wants to pick it up here. On the last day away, though, he admitted to peeing in the ocean. I think that’s gross. Is it a dealbreaker?

Ruby says: I think you’re being a bit of a prude. In any truly erotic relationship, you need to love each other’s bodies and a bit of pee is just a natural function of that.

In fact, I actually employ a little test along these lines when I’m with a new guy. The morning after I’ve blown his mind in the sack, I’ll ask him to take a shower with me.

While I’m washing his back with my favourite lavender and kiwifruit body scrub, I like to pee on his leg.

It is, literally, the ultimate litmus test for any budding relationship. Rather than testing for pH, like in Year 10 science, I’m checking whether my new man is adventurous enough for another shot at the title.

Maybe your boyfriend was doing the same thing. Sounds like you failed the test, Little Miss Vanilla.

Dear Reuben

Reuben says: I spent some time living among the jungle tribes of Brazil and they strictly forbade urinating in the river. Not because of hygiene, but out of fear of the Candiru, the vampire fish of the Amazon.

The Candiru is related to the catfish but looks like a silvery eel and can grow to about two inches in length. The Candiru is addicted to the taste and smell of human urine – if someone pees in the river, the Candiru follows the stream back to the culprit and then swims up into the urethra, where it lodges itself with backward-pointing spines that protrude from its gills.

The Candiru then begins feeding on blood and tissue, devouring its host from inside-out. I saw men beg for their dicks to be amputated, so intense was the pain caused by the vile, parasitic Candiru.

What more evidence do you need that God doesn’t want us peeing in his waterways?

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