Penis sizes across the world are the latest tranche of useless – or useful, depending –  information the internet. So, who’s got the biggest?

EveryOneWeb‘s penis-themed portal, which gathered information from a mixture of stated and unidentified sources, puts men from Congo at the top of the table, with an average “self-reported” penis size of 18 centimetres.

The figures are a blow to Australian men, however, who have a “measured” average penis size of 13.2cm, putting them 94th on the list.

What a load of cockle-doodle-do, they might say. But they can direct their cries of inaccuracy at “Australia’s national agency for health and welfare”, to whom the information was attributed.

Aussie’s will be even more upset to learn that New Zealand men wield an appendage of an average size of 13.99cm. That’s bound to add fuel to trans-Tasman rivalry.

Rounding out the top five largest penises are Ecuador at 17.5cm (measured), Ghana at 17.3 cm (self-reported), Colombia at 17cm (measured) and Venezuela at 17cm (measured).

The UK’s members limp in at number 82 on the chart (average size: 13.97cm), albeit beating Spain (number 85), the US (number 98) and Ireland (number 99). Germany sits at number 68, France at 17 and Italy at 31.

Last year some similarly earth-shattering research revealing that ‘little man’, ‘joystick’ and ‘tonk’ are some of the sixty different words men in the UK use for penis.

The revelation was soon followed by an interactive map showing which terms are used most often in different parts of the UK.

Lloyds pharmacy’s innovation highighted the fact that ‘Old Man’ is a popular way for Londoners to reference their parts, while ‘Todger’ and ‘John Thomas’ are more often pulled out in the Midlands and Wales respectively. 

Other geography-based genital highlights of the map included the fact that inhabitants of northern Scotland often refer to their willy as ‘hooded bandit’, central Scottish dwellers prefer ‘satter spatterer’ and Northern Irish men harness the delightful term ‘meat thermometer’.