Q. I’ve been living with my girlfriend for two years but feel like we’re running out of steam. I love my girlfriend but miss my independence. What should I do?
Reuben says: In the animal world, the size of males’ testicles is in proportion to how many partners the females have at any one time. It’s about sperm competition. The more blokes sleeping with a female, the more jizz they need to produce.
Bonobo apes, for example, are notoriously promiscuous – they have orgies when they discover a new food source – so a 45kg bonobo has nuts the size of chicken eggs.
Gorillas, on the other hand, have balls the size of kidney beans, hidden inside their bodies. Gorillas, you see, establish harems, so there’s no sperm competition.
In short, female monogamy makes males’ balls shrink and I think that’s what has happened to you. I am prepared to sleep with your missus to help ignite that sperm competition so your balls grow a bit bigger.
Ruby says: Loss of independence can be a problem in any relationship. When I was sentenced to home detention, I had this bracelet on my leg that would administer a high-voltage electric shock whenever I attempted to leave my condominium. I was dating a guy but my inability to leave home put a real handbrake on it.
You should both develop some outside interests so you don’t feel joined at the hip. For example, she could play midweek netball and you could start rebirthing stolen cars out of a mate’s garage.
But if she brings home a friend who is inexplicably interested in your operation, she could have been planted by the cops. Probably best to break up with your girlfriend to ensure the location of your rebirthing shop remains secret.
» Got a sex or relationship worry? Email firstname.lastname@example.org