Q. I’ve met a girl who I’m madly in love with, but there’s one problem – she’s got a boyfriend. I don’t know him, but what is the etiquette on cutting another guy’s lunch?

Ruby says: There is no etiquette. It’s a jungle out there.

If the boot was on the other foot, and there was a girl silly enough to go out with you, this anonymous cuckold would be cutting your lunch without compunction.

One time when I skipped bail, I was hiding out in New Zealand and working on a dairy farm. I fell in love with a local cattle herder but he insisted that he couldn’t leave his sheep-wife.

Naturally, I wore him down and after a few rolls in the hay with me behind the shearing shed, little Polly-Ann, with her angelic curls and cute little hooves, was the furthest thing from his mind.

You have to have enough self-esteem to believe you deserve that special person, even if they’re attached. Love yourself more.

Dear Reuben


Reuben says: After I was discharged from the service, I didn’t know which way was up. I rattled around, just trying to find my way back home.

I fell in with a group of survivalist patriots – some people called us a militia – committed to defending the country from the New World Order.

I fell for a munitions expert in the group who belonged to our leader; at the time, I didn’t feel like I was ready to love again, but she disarmed me as easily as if I were a spring-loaded tripwire.

Eventually, I was court- martialed, clapped in stocks and sent out into the woods. I never saw her again but whenever I see a news report about an attack on the treasury building or submarine blueprints going missing, I think of her.

She shocked the muscles of my heart out of their atrophy. I regret nothing.

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