To my wifey who puts the ‘wee’ into weekend: You’re leeeaving on a jet plane, don’t know when you’ll be back again (yes, I am singing at you from print – it’s a skill I know you love). You’re headed back to the magical land of Oz where the goon flows freely, the chicken is always parma-y and the sun doesn’t mind overtime. I love you and I’m going to miss our permanent slumber party of mattresses on the floor, Facebook-stalking, secret-spooning, TV-rerun-watching, bathtime-drinking and pretzel-eating. Will ‘come to the party’ soon!! Xxx Wifey

Woof woof: I’m looking to start up a club in London for people who like to pretend they are the owners of small dogs. The movement is more common than you’d think. Most people like to hang out with dogs but not everyone has the inclination or income to actually own one. Therefore I’d invite chihuahua owners to donate their pet’s time to my new club. I’ll come and collect your dog, take it to the park for the day and try and use it to pick up chicks. I have already sourced some cute little hats for it to wear. Sorry, I cannot feed the animal – hopefully the chicks buy it an ice cream or two. Contact me at Other pretend owners are welcome.

Man in The Mirror: Michael Jackson, where are you? I saw you at a house party on First Ave in Acton on Saturday 29th and knew you’d be a Thriller. When I came over to talk to you, you didn’t tell me to Beat It so we moonwalked our way to your bedroom where you Rocked My World. I still Remember The Time and was hoping we could do it again, because I liked The Way You Make Me Feel. Get in touch through TNT if you wanna be Bad again. CL.

Rumble in the jungle: Jez, I heard the howl of a wildebeest from your room last Wednesday night. Is that when you pulled out your anaconda from Africa? Time you got a job and spared your housemates the sounds of your safari sessions, don’t you think? Your suffering mates at Churston Street

The too cool for school kid: Sexy school mistress, I know I was slow with the maths to start with, but by the end of the night I knew what six and nine was and saw a lot more of your numbers. I reckon I taught you a bit about length and width, too. A few more sessions and I’ll master maths. Head prefect.

Goodbye Leah: It all started with Lisbon, Belem custard tarts, dodgy Italians, sangria, Lagos, fish bowls, stairs of death and connect-four hour of power. It all ended with cider picnics, black bootie shaking, many snakebite jugs, pick-up tops, Colin Farrell (?!), Rubik’s cubes, Church sluts, leading little sisters astray and shoebox rooms. It’s like chopping off my left ball to see you go, and London won’t be the same without you! One day, we’ll grow old on the Sunny Coast together. Love from Tonielle.

Del: “Come ‘ere I’m gonna make you smile” is a surprisingly good chat-up line and your bedroom door has become revolving with a constant stream of (lovely???) ladies, all of whom are very accepting that you have a neurological condition that means you cannot remember their names in the morning. Chances are you’ll be reading this while enjoying some “just eat” chicken goodness, piecing together your day out at The Church/Walkie where, you will, of course, have spat in a few faces and whipped out your wooden spoon. You may not have the “trifecta” to your name, but as the dirty housemate, the jury is out on whether you’re a champ or a grot. Happy birthday Del, have a good one. : )

Peter: Stop cracking on to my sister or I will fuck your cougar of a mother again when she comes to visit in May. You know she’s always down for some Ricky-time. This time I promise I will produce a brother for you. Richie.

Dory and Robot-Vamp: Roses are red/ Violets are blue/ London wouldn’t be the same/ Without you two/ You cheer me up/ You never give me grief/ And at the end of the week/ You’re always up for debrief/ So I’ve added you to my list/ You’re going straight to the top/ It’s just a pity/ You don’t have a c*ck/ But who needs a man/ When I have you two?/ Here’s a little note to say/ I’m choosing you! Happy Valentine’s Day, from you-know-who.

Hari huritau Miss Moriarty: Happy birthday Trouble 🙂 Since I’m the older one I will impart valuble knowledge which will assist you in this transitional period between Tweenties and (ahem) real adulthood 🙂 1. Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake 2. Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional 3. Age is not a destination. It’s a journey 4. The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age. Many things have changed over the years but you’re still the same great person you always have been. Luv Arohanui Ataahua Wahinetoa xox!!! Mwah Dee.