Q. It’s my first Valentine’s Day with a new girlfriend. I think the whole thing is a bit of a scam and would prefer to ignore it but she is really excited. Should I be honest or buckle?

Ruby says: Sure, maintain your integrity and stand up to the whole Valentine’s Day bullying. Remember to congratulate yourself during your lonely, single’s man wank in the shower.

We don’t actually care about flowers and chocolates; Valentine’s Day is just part of the cruel joke we play on men – like how we insist on our independence but still expect you to pay for shit. Hilarious.

Whereas men have pissing contests over how badly they can treat women and still get laid, women compete over how demanding we can be and still have you coming back for more. So Valentine’s Day is basically our Super Bowl.

And if you refuse to go along with that, then we’ll just trade you in for another who accepts those terms. Deal with it, champ.

Dear Reuben

Reuben says: Relationships are all about compromise. You don’t regard Valentine’s Day as a major event, while your girlfriend does. Unfortunately, you’re just going to have to take one for the team here.

I had a girlfriend who, after moving into my loft apartment, revealed she was a member of an esoteric religion – she never told me its name – that decreed women in relationships should have sex with other people on weekends.

My girlfriend was extremely devout in this area; she would bring home two, even three guys to assist in her all-night religious observance. Initially, I was apprehensive but I came to the conclusion that, in a relationship, the partner who gives ground is in fact the stronger of the two.

The relationship ended when she gave me the clap but claimed I gave it to her, but it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.