Shaggers: Valentine’s Special
Love-making mishaps are the focus of this stand-up comedy show at Leicester Square Theatre, with the talent, including Sameena Zehra (above), delving into innuendo-laden stories of how it’s gone wrong for them between the sheets with all sorts of incidents, accidents and injuries.
Be prepared, though, as this is one comedy gig where you’ll want to be an audience member only and not regaling everyone with that time you’ve tried your best to forget.
£10, Feb 14, 9pm WC2H 7BX
Tube | Leicester Square
The Crooked Well Chocolate Menu
This 2013 Michelin Pub Guide-featured drinkery has a special choccy-themed menu – tuna with cacao pesto; chicken liver parfait with dark chocolate port wine sauce; confit of duck with white chocolate mash … you get the picture.
Surely enough aphrodisiac to get you and that special someone going.
£5+, Feb 14, 6.30pm-12am 16
Grove Lane, SE5 8SY
Tube | Denmark Hill
Twister and Cocktails at Anise
Embrace your singleton status this Valentine’s Day with a cocktail-infused night of unabashed contortion and flirting.
Along with other singles, games of Twister will be played at this sultry bar adjoining Indian eatery Cinnamon Kitchen (just off Bishopsgate, near Liverpool Street), the winners bagging themselves free drinks in to the bargain.
It’s basically a great way to get pissed, and up close and personal with other available, sexy and boozed up strangers. Hell, everybody’s Valentine’s Day should be about that!
Free, Feb 14, 4pm-11pm Anise, EC2M 4YL
Tube | Liverpool Street
It’s A Man’s World
This southwest London boozer is a cut above, and marks V-day with a manly concoction of beers and pool, with no-nonsense grub such as mini burgers, fish and chips and sausage rolls.
£10, Feb 14, 12pm-3.30pm; 6pm-10.30pm
The Cadogan Arms, SW3 5UG
Tube | South Kensington
Dinner and a Movie
You can keep it simple and cosy with a three-course dinner and a romantic film at the Roxy’s bar and cinema, with the charming Once or classic Casablanca (pictured, above) as your choices of cinematic accompaniment.
£35, Feb 14, 5pm
Roxy Bar and Screen, SE1 1LB
Tube | Borough
Hidden City: Cupid’s Conundrums
The Hidden City folk specialise in cryptic clue-based mini adventures, where you need to solve the mystery and discover the city at the same time.
This Valentine’s Day experience illuminates the capital’s romantic side – you’ll discover parts of the city, and of yourself, that you didn’t know existed before!
Feb14-24, Mon-Sat, 12pm-4pm0;
Sun, 12pm-3.30pm Vinoteca Wine Bar, W1H 5BD
Tube | Marble Arch
The Saint Valentine’s Day Murder
No, not a new, post-modern life-claiming activity for V-Day 2013 as devised by some devious, devilish hipster, but a new comedy-mystery theatre production.
A speed dating event goes horribly wrong for one love-hunter when someone offs them – who is the culprit? Who’s next?
And will any of them ever find love again? A comic spin on dating dangers.
Feb 14, 15 & 16, 8pm
Lost Theatre, SW8 2JU
Tube | Stockwell
Bubbles not Blokes
Anything the blokes can do, the lasses can do with more panache, such as this girls’ night out, with a free bottle of rosé.
£15+. Feb 14, 12pm-11pm
The Grill On The Market,
Tube | Barbican
Cheesy cliché it may be, but the London Eye is one of London’s busiest attractions for a reason – it’s downright ace.
Offering a fun and panorama-filled way to share a kiss on Valentine’s Day, you can opt for the champagne and canapes experience, or hire out a ‘Cupid’s capsule’ all of your own for a little ‘private’ time to do with as you please.
Remember, though – you’re on camera!
£35+, Times and dates vary
Tube | Waterloo
Kinky Mercer Street Hotel
In the heart of Covent Garden’s Seven Dials sits this ultra-cool hotel, which has some extra special packages to surprise your partner with this Valentine’s Day.
The crafty bunch have teamed up with adult lingerie outfit Coco de Mer to design a sleek and sexy room to share for the night and a box of their ‘bestsellers’ to keep you busy, too. Breakfast included.
£138+. Feb 4, times
TBC WC2H 9HD
Tube | Covent Garden
Belle Epoque: A Ball For Lovers and Haters
Free your inhibitions and urges under a masquerade mask at this special Valentine’s Day circus evening of fantasy and flirtation (above).
The Grand Hall is transformed into a big top, with whip-brandishing ringmasters, aerial and trapeze artists and dancers galore.
Dress code is strict, with the ladies encouraged to get creative as a damsel in distress or sultry seductress.
£20, Feb 16, 8pm-2am The Grand Hall,
Euston Road, WC1H 9JE
Tube | King’s Cross
Down With Dating
Those fabulous folk at Feeling Gloomy have an action-packed night in store for those romance skeptics (or dumped, as they’re usually known) out there.
There’s Speed Hating (speed dating where you bitch about what you hate in the world) and Blind Hate, too.
The cynical with the cynical, and lots of beer, and arsing around.
The Gloomy guys say: “You might even find love, or at least someone to moan at for the rest of your life.” Sigh …
£10, Feb 8, 7pm-10pm
The Phoenix, W1 0PP
Tube | Oxford Circus
Museum of London: Valentine @ Latecentral London
A Twenties twist is added to this annual Valentine’s night, with swing dancing, absinthe tasting (eek) and more.
£7, Feb 14, 7pm-10pm EC2Y 5HN
Tube | Barbican
Anti V-day Movie Night and Market
Bea’s of Bloomsbury at Maltby Street creates some anti-romance, screening Mike Myers’ So I Married An Axe Murderer and serving up a calorie-packed comfort feast of American-style chili cheese dogs and spicy chilli and mushroom mac ’n’ cheese. There’ll be locally sourced beers and wines, too.
£5.50, Feb 14, from 6.30pm SE1 3PD
Tube | Bermondsey
Barbecue and crabshack Big Easy brings out the lobster for Cupid’s day, with chips, salad and booze, too.
You can even win this evening’s dinner menu for two by sharing how you and your other half met. The best story wins!
£29.95, Feb 14,
12pm-11pm SW3 5UR
Tube | Sloane Square
The regular PJs, cocktails and stories night honours this romantic day with a theme of Tales Of Love, Lust And Longing, which covers whether you’re loved up or up for it.
£30, Feb 12-18, times vary
40 Winks, E1 4UJ
Tube | Stepney Green
Evening with the Stars
A night at the Royal Observatory Greenwich’s planetarium promises a romantic night of looking up at the stars.
You and your partner can first gaze at the wonder of the universe above through the giant 28-inch telescope, and then in to each other’s love-filled eyes.
They even throw in a glass of bubbly and a red rose for each couple, too.
£28, Feb 14, 5.30pm-6.30pm
& 7.10pm-8.10pm SE10 9NF
Tube | Cutty Sark
Itchy Feet Dance Academy
This travelling party will help you forget the predictable, forced displays of love (the cards, chocolates and bloody roses) with a dance night that has classes, competitions with prizes, a pizza buffet to keep your energy levels up, cocktails and a giant dressing up box so you can get really silly once you’re pissed.
Of course, there’s discounted tickets for couples.
£14, Feb 14, 7.30pm-1am
Concrete, E1 6JJ
Station | Shoreditch High Street