New rules introduced by the Department for Culture, Media and Sport (DCMS) mean paid-for video-on-demand porn viewed online is no longer exempt from meeting British Board of Film Censors (BBFC) guidelines which cover DVDs bought in sex shops.

The prudish censors have whipped up a storm by outlawing a whole host of other popular sexual activities. These include female ejaculation, fisting, face-sitting, physical and verbal abuse, and penetration by any object “associated with violence”. Dildos are out – as it were – if they’re so big as to be deemed dangerous, and so too are watersports – which devotees of mistress’s golden showers may view as a bit of a pisser. Even a bit of good old-fashioned bondage is banned if it extends to gagging and the restraint of all four limbs.

Spoilsports at DCMS have tied the hands of film-makers by issuing a list of supposedly naughty or risky acts now prohibited under the Audiovisual Media Services Regulations 2014. It all means that porn bought and watched online must now comply with the BBFC’s R18 rating.

The government argues that following the rise of video on demand the changes are necessary in order to prevent under-18s viewing R18 material.

But the move is sure to hit UK porn producers, especially those who specialise in BDSM, LBGT and femdom-focussed pornography. Fans of British-made porn will also be frustrated, although there’s still nothing to stop people achieving satisfaction by watching their favourite sex acts in films shot abroad.

And get this. One upshot of the new measures is that the publicly funded regulator, the Authority for Television on Demand (ATVOD) needs a new case officer who will be paid the princely sum of £36,000 a year to watch porn and enforce the regulations. It just goes to show that it’s an ill wind that blows no-one any good. What are you waiting for?