Admonishing the airline industry for its lack of glamour, its inbuilt traditions, and inherent absurdities, she talks to us her ahead of her tour at London’s Bloomsbury Theatre about divas, getting horny at 30,000 feet and why British Airways is still the best.
Where did Pam Ann come from initially?
She was born out of a bottle of vodka, I dressed up for a party as a Pan American air hostess and throughout the night people kept calling me Pan Am, and if you say it enough times it becomes Pam Ann!
Do a lot of the air stewards and stewardesses take the joke well or do they take it personally?
Yeah, last night I had some new fleet British Airways and some old fleet and I backed them up against each other and they hated one another. So maybe they hate me for bringing that up – I’m all about that! I like to cause a bit of friction. And I’m sure if I got on Thomson they would hate me because they are bland and their airline has no identity and I tell them that. And they say “Why don’t you talk about Thomson?” and I say, “Because that is not an airline!” And I am never going to fly them so I am never going to experience that.
Which is worse – Ryanair and easyJet?
I have been on both and I think Ryanair is more hideous because they say that you are going to Venice but you are going to Treviso and have to get a bus for two hours. EasyJet I think are more tolerable because the cabin crew are nice.
Yeah, but he has gone now, he doesn’t own it anymore. I think EasyJet is a great brand,but I will never go charter, I will never go to Luton or Stanstead, I hate those airlines, like I say – where is the Al Qaeda suggestion box? They could get rid of them all. But it’s okay, but you can put all those hideous passengers out there and they can go on that shit.
You’ve performed for Madonna and Cher – who has been the biggest diva out of the two of htem.
Madonna came to one of my shows, and I’d say she’s more of a diva. Cher is really down to earth and she was very nice when I met her, and she had me on her tour so I ain’t going to slag her off! Madonna is more of a diva because she is clinging to that crown and she isn’t allowing the likes of Lady Gaga to come up.
What’s the best thing a cabin crew member has told you?
They tell me all kinds of jokes. The best joke they’ve told me is that British Airways staff greet their passengers as if they are personally responsible for the death of Princess Diana. And the other one is, “What did the queen say to Kate Middleton?? Don’t piss me off – wear a fucking seat belt!”
Have you ever joined the mile high club?
No, and I’m not interested. Aesthetically it is not pleasing, especially on a 26-hour flight. Don’t get me wrong, I get horny, but I’m not going to go to the loo to slap around in all that piss. If you’re in first class, they are certain beds that are tailored for that, so absolutely I would, but not with a stranger who hasn’t showered for 12 hours and isn’t wearing any shoes to the bathroom. I’d rather blow someone off in the lounge.
Which of the airlines most embodies the glamour of air travel’s golden years?
British Airways, the crew are very British and I love all of that – they still have the glamour, it’s an institution. And I am not just saying that, I will fly from New York to London to go to Australia just to fly BA. I’d rather them than Virgin Australia, I love the crew and I love the brand but it is a bit Mickey Mouse.
Virgin Atlantic tried to incorporate a bit of the glamour, the girls look glamorous, the they epitomise that side of it, the way that they look, and the bar on the plane. They are a lot more media savvy so you have a lot more celebrities flying Virgin – they cater for that rock n’ roll market. Whereas British Airways is old school, Mayfair, and very chic. And if you fly Lufthansa Service of Excellence, they have dry ice and they come out with three-tiered trays of hors d’oeuvres on and caviar. There are some airlines that still have elements of it all.
If BA wasn’t an option, how else would you get from your New York home to the UK?
It’d have to be on a ship, wouldn’t it? I’d go on the Costa Concordia and demand an ocean view! Or I’d come over on Air Force One, I’d cosy up to the air force, and find a way!
Pam Ann plays Bloomsbury Theatre, 15 Gordon Street London WC1H 0AH.
Apr 24 – Apr 29, & May 1 – May 5.
Station: Euston Square