When did you realise how important beards were to you?
It was a gradual process as my own beard became more weighty. I like to think there was a time when I first reached out as a child and touched my father’s beard – for he has had a beard his entire adult life. I’m sure that would have made an impression on me.
Ever written a song not about beards?
I’m ashamed to say when we started out we were a separate band that didn’t sing about beards. It was a dark time in all of our lives. Eventually the four of us realised that beards and things relating only to beards were the only way to go. We’ve never looked back.
How did it start?
It was fate. I think it was the beard that drew us together and we didn’t even know what was happening. There was some higher power, a power that we don’t even pretend to understand. The beard itself really created this opportunity. It was destiny, I suppose. We were destined to become the prophets of beard that we have now become.
Why are bearded men better?
Beards just make everything better. Bearded men are more agile, they’re smarter, they’re stronger than non-bearded men. We’re just better at doing everything. Growing a beard included.
You’re due a new album, aren’t you?
Yes. We’re looking at probably the first half of next year. We’ll be hitting the studio in early December to start that process. The song writing has been happening in process. Our beards have grown a little longer since the last album so the next release is going to be even better.
Only bearded people on the album?
Yes, every person involved in every aspect of the album has to be bearded. It makes it really expensive, to be honest. We’ve even found a company in the depths of Croatia who only employ bearded people to help print the CDs. All this beardy-ness will hopefully come through. It has made everything much more expensive, for sure, but it’s obviously well worth it.
Where’s best in Oz for beards?
When we started the situation looked bleak, but the numbers of beards has, I’m happy to report, definitely increased. The situation in Brisbane and Queensland in general is good. Tasmania has always been on it, right from the get-go. There’s some great beards in Tassie. Melbourne too has a strong history of hipster beards – they lack in the length department perhaps, but any beard is a good beard.
The World Beard and Moustache Competition was certainly the best collection of bearded people we’ve ever seen. But, to be fair, they had come from all corners of the globe to compete. I would say the best single country would probably be Canada. The wintery, snowy climate and constant cold is obviously conducive to the growing of beards. Scotland has some really good beards going as well.
Would you ever shave for a woman?
No, I would never shave my beard off for a woman or any other reason. You’d have to kill me before I would shave off my beard. Look, we do have a lot of women wanting to have sex with us but, the problem with women is they just can’t compare to beards. We see beards as being superior to everything.
What about Movember?
It’s hard for us. We feel Movember is just growing facial hair as a bit of a goof, a bit of a short-term money-raising thing. For us, facial hair should be taken more seriously than that. A beard is a commitment for life, not just a chance to get a photo up on Facebook with a shitty-looking moustache. We would support something like a ‘Beardcember’ but, again, we wouldn’t want people to then shave them off at the end of the month.
What’s your thoughts on beard transplants? Would you ever donate yours to science?
If I saw a guy walking down the street with a luscious beard and I subsequently found out it was a transplant I would still congratulate him. That, if anything shows an even greater commitment to having a beard – to have one medically inserted into your face. As for beard donations well, I probably would after my death but only if I knew for sure that its new owner would continue my good work in relation to all beard issues. My beard is exceptionally powerful. It could be terrifying in the wrong hands.
The Beards play Festival of the Sun, at Sundowner Breakwall Tourist Park, Port Macquarie (Dec 13-14). fotsun.com