Surfing is to Australian culture what tea, football and getting burnt to a luminous crisp on Bondi are to the British. So to come Down Under and not even attempt to surf would be like going to France and not trying a croissant, or New Zealand and not recklessly flinging yourself from a buttock-tremblingly high cliff. In other words, pretty damn rude. Surfing is as Aussie as mullets, foul-tasting beer and suffixing ‘o’ on anything and everything.

I was given some pertinent surf advice by my old boss. He said, “unless you’re really good, definitely don’t go surfing if you’re trying to impress girls”. Either he knew it was more difficult than it looks or he’d seen me in a wetsuit. However, after a few months of thoroughly unimpressing girls with my dancing, I had nothing left to lose. I had to give it a go…

Arriving hungover at the beach, I’m horrified to see the ocean growling like a hungry multi-mouthed monster. Surely we don’t have to go out in that? I learn the beach was closed the day before, because of the size of the waves and strong rips. A surf lesson doesn’t look hopeful, which makes me very hopeful indeed. So I grab a takeaway tea and relax on the beach with a handful of would-be surfers. But my bliss quickly turns to anxiety when we’re told the lifeguard has given the water a thumbs up (yup, cheers pal).

Tom, one of our instructors, talks us through the theory. It all sounds nice and simple: wait for a wave, catch it, stand up and pose a bit for the laydeez.

Then we have a go. I paddle away furiously, catch a ‘tube’, jump up in a flash and strike a pose, Beach Boys classic “Surfing USA” playing loudly on my mental iPod. I’m a natural. This is a friggin’ sinch. Now for a go in the water.

The sea is still kickin’ up a storm. Waves smash into me, knocking me over, filling my mouth with salty water and, worse still, messing my hair up. I stride forward for what feels like five minutes and turn round to see I’m about five yards from the beach. This is hard work. But Tom comes to the rescue. He drags my board out, spins me around and, after an expectant pause, says “go, go, go” with a gentle push. I paddle away, then feel the board speed up and lift. I raise myself. But as I do, all the instructions abruptly leave my head like a James Bond ejector seat and I throw myself spectacularly straight into the swill. However, I’ve had a taste of the high life and I want more.I try again. And again the same thing happens. And again. And I notice the youngest girl in our group has mastered it already.

With Tom’s help, I try again – it’s utterly exhausting work. Every time it’s a different facet that I fumble on: I’m too far forward, I stood up too fast, I had the board upside down. It was so much easier on the sand. And I’m certainly not impressing any of the rather tasty girls in our group – in fact, most of them are standing up now, like old pros.Then, finally, when I’ve almost given up – maybe it’s because I’m no longer concentrating so hard – I get up… and stay up… and keep going… right to the beach. I let out a whoop of joy and I feel like strutting around like Liam Gallagher, going “c’mon!”. It’s a great feeling, finally making the sea my slave.

If you’ve already got the hang of it, or want to give it a go, then here’s some of Australia’s best surf beaches…

MANLY BEACH
STATE: NSW
TELL ME MORE: With a great atmosphere and surf schools to teach you the ropes, Manly is a great place to learn. 

ONE MILE BEACH
STATE: NSW
TELL ME MORE: Every morning a progression of surfers ranging up to 70 years hit the waves in this picturesque Port Stephens spot

MOSSIES
STATE: WA
TELL ME MORE: Offering a small right-hander, north Perth’s Mossies has little danger factor, making it a great spot for a hassle-free surf. 

CARLTON BEACH
STATE: TAS
TELL ME MORE: Carlton locals are so friendly that its gives this beach a great atmosphere. There are long, slow waves and great views from the shore. 

KIRRA BEACH
STATE: QLD
TELL ME MORE: The Gold Coast’s most famous beach, offering big swells and little waves that break close to shore. A great spot to soak up the “surfey” atmosphere, too. 

BROADBEACH
STATE: QLD
TELL ME MORE: Some great little left and right-handers at another great Gold Coast piece of sand. The swell here is usually small and gentle. A great spot to hang out or take a walk.

BONDI BEACH
STATE: NSW
TELL ME MORE: The eastern suburbs equivalent to Manly. This is a fantastic and fun place to get started. 

SANDY POINT
STATE: VIC
TELL ME MORE: Surrounded by the stunning Wilsons Promontory national park and plentiful wildlife, this beach offers consistent swell and very few rips, or other people.

SCARBOROUGH BEACH
STATE: WA
TELL ME MORE: A fantastic vibe and one of the most popular Perth beaches around. Good for all levels. 

RAFFS
STATE: VIC
TELL ME MORE: This Apollo Bay beach is another safe and well-protected bit of surf, with right-handers that will suit the timid beginner. 

ADVENTURE BAY
STATE: TAS
TELL ME MORE: It’s always best to check conditions here, as the swell on gorgeous Bruny Island can range from puny to the truly massive.

SOUTH CLIFTON
STATE: TAS
TELL ME MORE: A good place to learn and popular with beginners. It might get a bit crowded in summer but is still worth it.

BIRDIE BEACH
STATE: NSW
TELL ME MORE: Only one hour from Sydney, beautiful Birdie Beach, by Newcastle, is situtated in Munmorah State Recreational Park.

TORQUAY
STATE: VIC
TELL ME MORE: The Great Ocean Road has some great surfing and Torquay is where it all began. Home to surf giants Rip Curl and Quiksilver, pros compete out here on Bells Beach. Check conditions as it can 
be unpredictable.

BEACH BREAKS
STATE: SA
TELL ME MORE: Offers good swell in most conditions, but as there can be dangerous rips at this Southport spot, perhaps wait until you have some experience. 

OCEAN BEACH
STATE: WA
TELL ME MORE: If you like a long ride in some of the clearest waters, head here. There are gentle, rolling waves and if you are confident with rips and tides, we are confident you will love this Denmark spot.

SEVEN MILE BEACH
STATE: NSW
TELL ME MORE: This super-long beach at Lennox Head offers plenty of space and there is usually great surf. Bring a friend for safety. 

COOLUM BEACH
STATE: QLD
TELL ME MORE: Once voted the state’s cleanest beach, there’s heaps of space to splash about on this Sunshine Coast destination.

CLARKES BEACH
STATE: NSW
TELL ME MORE: The best that Byron Bay has to offer for beginners, with perfect conditions most of the time. The waves are gentle and tend to go for longer than you’d expect.

MOANA BEACH
STATE: SA
TELL ME MORE: This family-friendly beach has perfect little sets for beginners, south of the ramp. 

BABY CHINAMANS
STATE: SA
TELL ME MORE: A pretty spot on the Yorke Peninsula with a slow left-hander that breaks up to two metres. Check for low tide as its best during this time. 

COLES BAY
STATE: TAS
TELL ME MORE: The landscape is unbeatable and there are literally hundreds of little sand breaks. 

THE DUMP
STATE: SA
TELL ME MORE: Despite the unpromising name, Dump Beach is a fun place to muck around which is popular with beginners and kids alike.

LAKES ENTRANCE 
STATE: VIC
TELL ME MORE: Perfect for the absolute beginner, this picture-perfect spot has very small and gentle breaks. 

NOOSA MAIN BEACH
STATE: QLD
TELL ME MORE: A spot popular for its crystal waters and beautiful Aussie scenery, Noosa offers mid-size waves and a laidback atmosphere.

February 24th, 2012