Purchase a crossword book and attempt to tackle one puzzle on your commute each day. If you get stuck, bellow the name of the crossword, the clue and the number of letters in an authoritative manner. If people don’t respond, try shouting the clue again – they may not have heard you. Every time a fellow passenger gets a clue right, stand up and applaud them, shouting words of encouragement.
Download the Piano Sonata No. 2 to your phone (otherwise known as Chopin’s Funeral March) and if the lights go off or the train comes to a standstill in a tunnel, broadcast it to the carriage. This is especially effective if stationary for more than 30 seconds. NB: If someone starts having a panic attack, turn off your phone at once.
Find a realistic-looking mouse (a cat’s toy will suffice) and when shoulder-to-shoulder in a cramped train, remove the ‘mouse’ from your pocket and begin to pet it, calling it sweet names. Your fellow commuters will have more to think about than dinner when the mouse suddenly flies from your pocket and lands on someone’s head. You can also do this with a spider toy, but the results can vary, and people have been known to get angry when dealing with spiders.
Try your hardest to preempt the recorded messages on every journey – just before the tannoy comes on, shout which line you are on, and the station you will shortly be arriving at. For added spice, as you are leaving the station, let people know which line they are travelling on and that they are now leaving the station, as they may not be clear.
If you have the space on a relatively empty Tube, gather a crowd of three people (they must be willing participants; this is a vital part of the game) and challenge them all to swap clothes between stations. Anyone not fully-dressed before the train pulls into the following station has lost, and must be forfeit by eating some grapes, or reciting a short poem. Punishments can vary at your discretion.
Finally, if you’re musically-minded, feel free to bring your instrument onto the Underground during rush hour. Contrary to popular belief, tired and stressed commuters welcome some music when travelling, and will not mind sharing their space with a harp if used properly. Other instruments that go down well include the cornet and bassoon. If you’re new to an instrument and struggling to master a tune, all the better – your fellow commuters will almost definitely offer advice and feedback, and won’t mind you repeating the tricky melody until you get it right.
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