Drip. Drip. Drip. Not just the weather, but me as well.
See, I’d stupidly figured, that like on Home and Away, Australia had year-round sunshine.
It was my only excuse for arriving in Melbourne being so inappropriately dressed for the Aussie winter.
But, once I’d invested in a jumper, do you know what I found out? There are still lots of sporty and adventurous things to do in the Victorian capital.
In fact, whisper it, but perhaps without the heat and the daytrippers Australia’s second biggest city is actually more enjoyable at this time of year?
Of course, the sea and beach are out. But then again, being physically challenged (or “a fat good-for-nothing” as my ex used to say), maybe doing something other than lazing about on sand all day would be a good thing.
My über-flab didn’t stop me from going right in at the deep end, literally. At Melbourne Aquarium one can swim with sharks. Not those champagne-swigging banker tossers who’ve screwed up the world’s financial markets, but the fishy creatures which that Spielberg fellah made famous in Jaws.
Truth be told, you’re actually quite safe, since these toothsome critters are of the gentle grey nurse or seven gill varieties.
In fact, when I did eventually get up close to them, all I could think about was just how appealing they’d be slung over the barbie. You see, they had much more right to be scared of greedy old me than I had of them.
Let’s rap
Weather permitting, another adrenalin rush can be had by rap jumping.
A highly advanced sort of freestyle rope work originally used by the Aussie military in the 60’s, few things are more thrilling than a controlled descent from a six-storey tall building.
However, make sure this isn’t the day you choose to experiment with a bushwhacker breakfast special of witchetty grubs smeared in vegemite, or the contents of your stomach might just hit the floor before you do!
For a slightly less madcap pursuit, try indoor rock climbing.
Back in the time before time began – well, in the 1850s to be exact – people flocked to this south-eastern tip of the country because of the gold rush.
Nowadays, though, you’d be silly not to stampede here for an altogether different yellowish-brown substance, the lovely ice cold beer.
Melbourne has arguably Australia’s best pubs and you’ll be pleased to know there are literally hundreds of cosy, traditional drinking holes like Young and Jacksons where you can get as sloshed as a dwarf who’s slipped into a vat of alcohol.
Even so, what sets this dog’s bollocks of a city apart, is its amazingly cosmopolitan bar scene.
Therefore, if it’s a bit grey outside, there’s no reason not to put a bit of colour in your cheeks by slamming back a few pints in the swanky drinking dens, littered all over town.
Prahran, the Docklands area and the bohemian enclaves of Fitzroy and Carlton all boast several must get totally rat-arsed in venues.
Still personally, I found the laneways the best for a good piss-up.
A small, cobbled stretch of alleys in the centre of the metropolis, the first watering hole I stumbled into was the Croft Institute.
Initially, I didn’t think I’d be leaving with all of my body parts, as the place is like a cross between a science lab and a hospital waiting room.
Nevertheless, fortunately, the weird medical instruments and other paraphernalia strewn all over the walls weren’t to rid me of the body’s biggest organ (stop it)… my liver.
Section 8 was a bit of a blast too,as unusually, it’s made-up of old shipping containers… thank God I snuck through quarantine.
While, nearby, the vivid jade and red oriental-fashioned interiors and eclectic tunes of New Gold Mountain are the perfect way to finish off (it’s open till 5am) an eventful evening.
