Sexônico, a Sao Paulo based online sex shop has begun a bidding war on their website for the maidenhead of the lovely, plasticine Valentina, Brazil’s first life like sex doll.

Remarkably, the leading bid at the moment stands at about $105,000.

“She has green eyes, fleshy lips, full breasts and a body that inspires envy in all women,” say Sexônico on their website.They also claim that the doll’s skin has a similar texture to that of a real human.

According to the English translation of the website, whoever has bid the most money for Valentina by midnight on March 31st will have won the rights to deflower the lovely doll – as well as enjoy a few other sweeteners as well.

These include a night in the presidential suite of a hotel, a special candlelight dinner with French Champagne (tres magnifique!), an aromatic bath with rose petals (an excellent idea, no doubt whoever wins this frightful auction won’t have washed in months), flights to Sao Paulo if they live elsewhere in Brazil, special sexy lingerie for Valentina and (the pièce de résistance) a digital camera, so that the lucky winner can record his exploits and “show them to his friends”.

I wonder how many fat, balding, sausage fingered 35-or-so-year-old trolls have been emerging from the basement of their aged parents house to beg for cash all across Brazil? Surely none of the seedy reprobates who have been lobbing their reals at this inflatable, tactile metaphor for loneliness and depression have proper jobs .

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s Brazil’s best and brightest who are throwing their hard earned money at it. Maybe it’s the movers and shakers who are behind the bidding. If that is the case I can’t decide whether that makes the whole thing slightly better, or so much worse.

Anyway, even if hypothetically the winner – whoever he winds up being – actually has friends and/or a job you can’t think he’ll hold onto either of them for very long afterward. Certainly not if he starts passing a video of himself having it off with a doll around to all and sundry.

To further muddy the waters of this already murky, quagmire of a weird news story, Sexônico is aiming to coincide Valentina’s deflowering with the first international convention of inflatable dolls, a four day event.

Can you imagine the kind of people who would be passing through the doors at an event like the international inflatable doll convention? It doesn’t actually bear thinking about… Probably the same kind of weirdos you see late at night, slumped in a chair at the back of the bus gibbering away to themselves like baboons and masturbating.

May God have mercy on us all…