Q. I’ve been seeing a girl and we’ve just started sleeping together. I really like her, but she’s no fun in the sack. Is that a dealbreaker?
Ruby says: Yes. If a lover doesn’t earn their keep in the sack, then they should expect to be thrown under the bus.
For
example, I like men to play out my Dirty Dancing fantasy during sex.
But if they’re not prepared to be Johnny Castle to my Baby Houseman,
then it’s not going to work.
I’ve had so many dud partners over
the journey and it’s a matter of self-respect that if they don’t
deliver, they don’t last long in the rotation.
Unless they’re rich, in which case, anything goes. Anything.
Although,
even that can have its pitfalls. One of my marriages was to an heir to
a mega-church fortune. He didn’t believe in sex before marriage, so our
wedding night was a disaster.
He did a lot of repenting after
I was done with him, but that didn’t stop me running off with the
priest, who was into all sorts of kink.
Reuben says: Sex can be unpleasant. Coming to terms with this
grim reality is simply part of adult life. For proof, we need only look
to the natural world.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who finds bees and flowers vividly
erotic. The mere sight of a bee sexing a flower on a summer’s day
leaves me intensely aroused.
On closer inspection, though, we see how sex and suffering are indelibly entwined.
The virgin Queen, having been plied with sexy jelly to induce sexual
maturity, manages to avoid being killed by rivals. She then takes a
mating flight with a select few lucky bachelors. But they’re not lucky,
because, during mating, their genitals explode and their penis snaps
off inside the Queen, acting as a plug to prevent other bees having a
go.
So stop whinging and be thankful that sex does not involve your dick snapping off and your balls exploding.
» Got a sex or relationship worry? Email dearreuben@tntmagazine.com
