SILLY BUGGERS had an undisclosed contender for the World Title email over his diary of the tour.

Week One

Here we are in lovely China. I’m enjoying the sweet and sour pork and all the wonderful eastern spices and delicacies. Tomorrow I will go and see the Great Wall of China, where I intend to give it a run for its money as the only man-made thing visible from space. Then I will trek to Beijing Town Centre where I will have a cartoonist sketch me. Rather than a comically over-sized head, they might make my penis larger, so for once I can see it under my waistline.

Week Two

Currently in Thailand, we have been to see a few Buddhist temples. Bomba, our Samoan competitor, has a freshly shaven head. He ran up and posed cross-legged and as tourists took photos of the statues, he suddenly came to life. That Bomba, such a character. Then we all went swimming. There was a tsunami warning in Sri Lanka.

Week Three

Ah, Japan. The Motherland of Sumo. Here we are treated like gods. As a result I picked up an extra soap sponsor, Nu Finish. People have said it’s a car wash, but it leaves my skin feeling squeaky clean. Since I was in Japan and with the extra cash in my wallet I decided to treat myself to a Burberry Mawashi, or loincloth.

Week Four

The Land of the Free, America. Of course I got probed at customs ‘cos they thought I was wearing a fat suit, smuggling bombs and guns, but once I was through I felt like I really belonged. It’s great to be amongst my people: McDonald’s on every corner, Burger King across the road, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Sizzler. When the plane-full of Sumos took off from Japan to America we actually slowed down the rotation of the Earth as we went against the International Date Line. It was perfect. Not only did I re-live yesterday, but the day before. It meant I was able to enjoy both the roast dinner from last night and the Irish stew from the night before, delicious second time around.

Week Five

We’ve landed in Australia. Sick of my stumpy pony-tail I decided I needed another change. I went to Oxford St in Sydney and asked them for a fresh summer cut. It was a look I had seen in the movies. I walked out of the salon and recieved heckles like “Jabba finally had his way with Leia”, and “Hey, it’s Fat Wars”. People can be so unkind. Looking to make a little extra cash on the side I signed up for the second series of Biggest Loser. But they said, “Sorry, no professionals”.