1. ‘You’ll change your mind when you meet Mr/Mrs Right.’
I met Mr. Right four years ago, thanks, and we’ve been living together for three. Children rank somewhere on our agenda between getting a new doormat and finally going to Euro Disney.
2. [Whilst holding your hand and cooing]: ‘You poor thing. Are you infertile?’
Pardon? How is that any of your business? Tell you what, let’s turn the tables and you can tell me all about your intestinal issues, that pesky flatulence and the mental health problems you suffered with while you were at uni.
3. ‘Isn’t your life very empty?’
Well, you’re right. My recent holiday to Croatia, my mate’s 30th in Dubai, my amazing career, my social life and the fact I have sex most nights is a real ballache, to be honest.
4. ‘People who don’t have children are selfish.’
Of course. That’s what the planet needs, isn’t it? More people? Silly me.
5. ‘Don’t you ever wonder if there’s more to life that just fulfilling your own needs?’
Luckily, I have friends and family around me that take up quite a bit of my time, so my innate selfishness is quelled. And, no, on the odd evening that I find myself alone in the flat with a good book, a bubble bath and an M&S pasta dish, I just feel grateful – and a bit sorry for you.
6. ‘Children add a new dimension to your life that you’ve never experienced before.’
So does getting lost in a souk when drunk and relying entirely on sign language to escape.
7. ‘Don’t you want to see a little version of yourself running around?’
I’m pretty sure that that’s the very definition of narcissism. Also, no. I’m messy, prone to temper tantrums, I cannot eat neatly and I get overexcited on planes. I’m fairly sure a smaller version of myself without grown-up restraint would be quite annoying.
8. ‘What are you going to do when you’re old?’
Fuck knows. Sleep? Eat loads? Watch Game of Thrones marathons? Why, what will you be doing when all your kids have moved abroad? Please, enlighten me.
9. ‘There’ll come a point when going out and getting drunk will become less appealing.’
I’ve been doing it for the past 15 years, and the novelty is yet to wear off.
10. ‘The very purpose of being here is to have children – it’s what you were born to do.’
You may see yourself as a limitless breeding machine, but I certainly don’t. I’m fairly sure I’m here to eat as much cheese as possible, drink rosé wine at festivals and own a startling amount of black clothing, but I’ll let you off on account of that baby brain.
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