‘I’ve had a baby!’ Of course! That would explain the eight thousand pictures of your gummy, drooling infant straddling a straw donkey, eating some mashed up banana, etc. We’re so glad you procreated, but no more pictures. Please. Your kid isn’t that hot, trust us.
‘I’ve lost loads of weight!’ This guy was a bit porky at uni, but at least he was interesting back then. These days, he just posts pictures of himself captioned ‘Just bought two t-shirts – SMALL SIZE!’ and boasts that he’s started making his own vegan snacks, which look horrible.
‘My boyfriend and I love each other soooo much!’ Another picture of you kissing on a train? Really? Oh, and give it a rest with the whole ‘Just been to Ann Summers – feeling naughty!’ status updates. However, on the flipside, it’ll very gratifying when you get dumped.
‘Would you like to have sex?’ Nobody has ‘poked’ anybody since 2009 and it has never meant anything apart from ‘Let’s plough.’ The answer is no – and please stop liking all my photos.
‘Jesus is my homeboy.’ Back in school, this girl was known for her 20-a-day habit, ripped fishnets and preference for thin, troubled older men. Then something weird happened, and these days, when she’s not scorning homosexuals, feminists and athiests, she’s posting bits of the Bible onto your wall in the hope you’ll convert.
‘I’m really political.’ This guy is incapable of making any kind of light-hearted statement, or holding on to friends for longer than a few months. EVERYTHING IS POLITICAL – and posting pictures of funny cats isn’t going to show the government that he means business. No, sir.
‘I don’t want to talk about it.’ Cryptic status update, more often than not slating an errant friend or lover, followed by a stream of concern. But, as luck would have it, the victim of such injustice often doesn’t want to discuss their trauma any more. Shame, guy.
‘U OK hun?xxx’ This girl uses the terms ‘hunni’, ‘kewl’ and ‘awwww babe’ more often than she should. She’s the kind of person that will respond to a post about a bereavement with ‘Babi u know were all here 4 u. Hugs xoxox.’ Heartfelt and sincere.
‘I want all you peasants to know I’m going abroad.’ These people travel loads, and just so you know they’re far more out-there than you’ll ever be, they’ll check in at every airport. Posts often say stuff like ‘Just off to Rome to top up my tan’ and ‘NYC is da bomb, yo #lovinlyfe’
‘Look at how lucky I am.’ These people, who have bitched about the whole year, non-stop, will suddenly summarise the last 365 days as NYE draws closer. And guess what – it’s not all bad! ‘Wow – so what a year! Went snowboarding, married the love of my life, passed all my exams and lost three stone!’ Oh, go fuck yourselves.
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