Good day, Your Majesty. You’ve lived in London your whole life – and you must have been to some pretty raunchy parties in the capital. What’s the most memorable one?

One was guest of honour at Freddie Mercury’s Groucho Club party to celebrate Queen’s 20th anniversary in 1990. Clearly what happens in the Groucho stays in the Groucho, but let’s just say one will never look at Rod Stewart in the same way again.

When someone annoys you, are you ever tempted to head to Speakers’ Corner and have a good shout about them?

No, one simply calls the PM and has a good shout at him instead.

What’s it like inside Number 10? Do they offer you tea and biscuits, or is everything a bit so-so?

It’s essentially like a Coronation Street house, only slightly smaller and with less tasteful decor. In sixty years on the throne one has never been able to work out who one has to knight to get a custard cream in that place.

Have you ever been stuck in traffic, and leaped from your car, shouting, ‘Bugger this, I’ll get the Tube?’

No idea what everyone finds so challenging about the London traffic. One never seems to have a problem. The DoE thinks the police outriders help.

Do you prefer Londoners to the rest of the UK’s population? (If so – naughty! You shouldn’t have a favourite!)

One is Queen of all of one’s people around the world and loves everyone equally. Not you, Clegg. 

Peckham’s an up-and-coming area. Could you ever be tempted to live there? There’s a good Wetherspoons.

Camilla actually has a bolt-hole there.

Finally, do you have a secret London pub where you can go and enjoy your daily gin undisturbed? We promise we won’t tell where it is.

Yes, but it’s location is a matter of national security.

Her Majesty’s new book Still Reigning, Thoughts of a Queen will be published on August 28 by Duckworth Publishers. Follow her at @Queen_UK and Duckworth at @Duckbooks.