Barcelo Hamilton, Menorca, Spain
This place oozes class and sophisticated romance; from the rooftop deck complete with hot tubs, day beds and a well-stocked bar, to the luxurious rooms with views over Port Mahon and the superb restaurants, this is a haven for the over-17s.It’s perfectly placed to explore the pretty harbour and historic town of Mahon, Menorca’s capital, but in truth, you’ll not want to leave the comfortable confines of Barcelo.Let the August sun seep into your skin as you lounge on a rooftop lounger and look out over the sparkling water of the port, or soak yourself in the warm bubbles of the hot tub, with a drink in hand. Take a swim in one of the two pools in its ground-level courtyard, or check in for a gorgeous wine-oil-based body scrub and massage at the spa before bobbing about in the floatation tank, hidden away beneath the hotel in a fairy-lit cave.For dinner, Sa Cova is an absolute must. With tables spilling out into the harbour-side, watch the boats bob as you tuck into exquisite calamari, lobster tail with fried egg and chips (an awesome combo, we can assure you), finished off with an iced Pomoda: local gin muddled with real lemonade and frozen into a delicious sorbet. The rooms are sleek and simple, with huge beds, floor-to-ceiling windows, balconies with views over the water or swimming pool, and en-suites with a ‘rain-dance’ shower.It’s the perfect place for couples or groups of couples to hang out and sunbathe by day, watch the sun sink over cocktails and dine on exquisite food by night. And with no screaming kids. Ahh, bliss.
Rooms from €98 (approx £78) per night. barcelohamiltonmenorca.com
Bohemia Suites & Spa, Gran Canaria, Spain
This relaxed adults-only spot is like a lush oasis with a peaceful pool surrounded with tropical foliage.There’s a spa, fine-dining restaurant, gym and bar – all you need for the perfect grown-up getaway. And, for the truly relaxed among you, there’s even a nudey beach down the road. Go on – hang out with your wang out. Rooms from an affordable £104pn. bohemia-grancanaria.com
Aqagrand, Rhodes, Greece
Some hotels aren’t interested in catering to the baby-toting crowd and the luxurious AquaGrand is one of them, lucky for us. Occupying an idyllic and relaxing beach-front location with some pretty amazing views of the Aegean Sea, this five-star spot screams luxury and is the perfect place to unwind minus any annoying kids. aquagrand.gr
Casa Carisma, Badalucco, Italy
Like it a bit kinky? Of course you do. And none of us want kids to see that, so you need the Casa Carisma. This old farm house on the Italian Riviera near San Remo (Italy’s wannabe Monte Carlo) and some 30km from the French border is set at the end of a private road in an olive grove. It’s the ideal place for outdoor fun and games of all kinds – and you can do whatever you like (wearing whatever you like) all day long. The living room has a fireplace for ‘cozy evenings’ (wink). casacarisma.it
Hotel Pelirocco, Brighton, UK
This is getting a bit saucy so we couldn’t not mention this Brighton institution with 19 themed rooms created by fashionistas, musicians and the like. Okay it means no going abroad, but the wild Betty’s Boudoir is dedicated to the 1950s pin-up Betty Page and comes complete with leopard-print, king-size bed (oh, and matching handcuffs). We’re also big fans of the Modrophenia Room. Yep, it has an awesome shiny red Lambretta coming out of the bedroom wall. How cool is that? hotelpelirocco.co.uk
