How to 2021!

How To Life credit: All4

 

New year! New life tips! New self-appointed, self-help guy – Ryan Shelton gives us three simple tips on ‘How to 2021’…

 

Australian Comedian and self-appointed self-help guy, Ryan Shelton knows a thing or three about life. He’s listened to podcasts about it, written the opening chapter of an unpublished book about it, and just recently, he presented three educational Comedy Blaps for All4 entitled How to Life about it.

But enough about Ryan Shelton and his enviable life achievements; this article is all about YOU and how YOU can learn some handy life tips for the new year, while simultaneously celebrating the exciting release of Ryan Shelton’s life-changing new web series, How to Life (which is all about YOU… and Ryan)

Tip #1: How to Be (Even More) Famous

Andy Warhol once said, “In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes”. But what if I, Ryan Shelton could do what Warhol couldn’t and turn those measly 15 minutes into a full half-hour?

It would be very impressive. I agree.

It’s 2017, so you’re no doubt already somewhat famous. Whether your fame came from being a contestant on Britain’s Got Talent, a housemate on Big Brother or even a bachelor on The Bachelor, you are now, for better or worse, pretty bloody famous. But just like any self-respecting man or woman, you want to be even more famous. And in effect… happier.

So what will make you famous(er)? In a recent survey conducted by Dr McFictional at the University of Pretend, a surprisingly large percentage of celebrities have experienced huge spikes in their fame due to one thing. Crime. Even the most famous can get famouser by breaking a little law or two. Shoplifting, insider trading, soliciting prostitutes and not paying taxes are just a couple of proven fame-enhancing techniques that you can consider using yourself.

Crime is bad, though. Obviously. It’s actually illegal. And that’s why I certainly can’t condone it. I can suggest it, however. Strongly. And I fully intend to. But just committing a crime simply isn’t enough in 2017. What you need to do when your moment of criminality arrives is capitalise on your sudden burst of exposure.

Whatever crime you choose to commit in your quest to be more famous, you need to also pair it with a specific demonstration of your talent. If you’re a singer, make sure to be performing live at the scene of the crime when the police arrive. If you’re an actor, make an effort to get arrested in character.

Just imagine what the global headlines will say when you’re caught robbing a bank while simultaneously delivering a stirring audition for Game of Thrones. I reckon one of the headlines could be “Hold the (Vault) Door”. If you were wondering.

Tip #2: How to Seem Smart

I get it. You’re not as smart as you wish you were. But the days of having to actually be smart are long gone. It’s not the 60s, guys! In 2017 you just need to seem smart. And here’s how…

The biggest mistake most people make when trying to seem smart is answering questions quickly when they haven’t the foggiest idea what they’re talking about. Instead, consider closing your eyes and pausing to ‘think’ for a few minutes before answering any question. I know a few minutes sounds like a long time, but in actual fact, the longer you pause and close your eyes to ‘think’ before you talk, the smarter you’ll seem.

I was invited to one of those abstract art show openings at an art gallery last week and when someone wearing a black drape asked me what I thought about the work on display, I paused and closed my eyes to ‘think’ for 35 minutes before I finally answered. I admit that 35 minutes was probably excessive, but it was incredibly effective. After all, the last thing I wanted was to look stupid in front of the black drape people.

Tip #3: How to Make Choc-Orange Cake (in 21 easy steps!)

We all want to be healthier in 2017! But that doesn’t mean we can’t treat ourselves once in a while. Carefully follow the below instructions for one of my favourite cakes that the whole family will love!

1. Stand up.

2. Walk to your car at a normal pace.

3. Drive to your local cake store. If you don’t have a car, stop now and make a different cake.

4. At the cake store, ask for Brett. It might be Sunday, in which case ask for Leonard. Leonard may only be part-time, but he still knows where the cakes are kept.

5. Order one chocolate cake.

6. Walk back to the car with the cake. Be careful not to let go of the cake.

7. Put cake in car and close the door, ensuring door is secure.

8. Drive to a supermarket.

9. Park your car in a legal parking spot.

10. Get one 2L bottle of Fanta.

11. Walk back to car. Make sure it’s your car.

12. Drive home.

13. Park car in the same spot you found it in Step 2.

14. Walk inside with chocolate cake and Fanta bottle.

15. If you didn’t pay for the cake or the Fanta, drive back to both stores and pay for them immediately. You have thieved and the police have probably been called. If you did pay however, continue on to the next step.

16. In your kitchen, open the cake box and rest the chocolate cake flat on a large dish.

17. Open bottle of Fanta, being careful not to laugh.

18. Slowly pour the entire bottle of Fanta on the chocolate cake.

19. Let it sit for 20 seconds.

20. Let yourself sit for a further 20 seconds.

21. Cut cake into 8 slices with a standard knife. If you don’t have a knife, an A3 sheet of paper or household cat’s tail will prove a suitable replacement.

Bon Apetit! Your Choc-Orange cake is ready to Bon ApetEAT.

So there you have it! Three simple life tips to make your 2017 that little bit easier (and tastier!). If you’re interested in learning more life lessons for the year ahead like How to Lie, How to French Kiss or How to Escape Boring Conversations, my highly educational new Comedy Blaps series, How to Life is available to watch now on All4.

How to Life is available on www.channel4.com/programmes/comedy-blaps