Colin “C-unit” Delaney and Damian “Da” Hall of Fame go head-first into a battle royale, 8 Mile-style REPRAZENT

Where are all my Eastside peeps? Throw your gang signs in the sky. From Jay Z to all of Berlin, everyone knows the east is better than the west. Okay, we’re talking about the east and west coasts of Australia rather than New York vs LA, or Berlin vs Bonn, but I feel the argument is still valid. Holla! Escape the city for a pilgrimage of fun, stopping at the laidback coastal towns laced with caravan parks, fish and chip shops and pubs with 1985 beer prices. The locals always wear a smile and the meat pies are always hot. The Aussie coast is where surfing, sugarcane farming and rugby league formed the national identity. How can you go wrong in Byron Bay, The Gold Coast, Airlie Beach or Cairns? By day these towns are backpacker heavens full of sunshine and activities, but by night they turn into sweaty dancefloor decadence. I’m yet to find that on the west coast. Don’t be surprised to stumble out of a venue after dancing on a tabletop, seeing a wet t-shirt competition, winning a sailing trip and having your tongue down a random Scandinavian’s throat. Oh yeah, pimpin’ ain’t easy.

SMACK MY BEACH UP! It’s a catch-22 situation – the best party towns also have the most adrenalin and leisure activities, but I can’t let the hangover win. I have to grab the bullshark by the horns and smack my beach up. The beaches and cleansing smell of sea-salt will clear that heavy head. You can swim and surf at just about every beach along the coast, just pay attention to the safety signs. Further north, get snorkelling or diving amongst Tangalooma Wrecks on Moreton Island (pictured), anywhere on the Great Barrier Ree] or Yongala Wreck off Townsville. You can also whitewater raft the Tully River near Cairns, sail the Whitsundays, get awesome views of the ocean with a sky dive over Cairns, Mission Beach or Brisbane, go sea kayaking in Port Macquarie, Coffs Harbou] and pretty much anywhere.

BIG B.A.N.A.N.A.S The east coast is also known for the tacky yet unmissable “Big Things” (oversized eyesores representing the local produce). In Coffs Harbour visit the Big Banana, Ballina has the Big Prawn, Nambour has the Big Pineapple and you’ll find the Big Oyster in Taree. The east coast has amazing national parks with all the weird Australian wildlife e you’ve come to expect: Fraser Island’s Great Sandy National Park is renowned for goannas and dingos, Eungella National Park near Mackay has possies of platypus, and the Daintree National Park is the home to cassowaries and other wonderful animals. And then there’s the “fun parks”. Hit the Gold Coast for Dreamworld, Sea World with all its dolphins, seals and even polar bears, Warner Bros Movie World for explosive action and Wet ‘n’ Wild to cool your summer down. Listen up, peeps. The east coast is where the action is, where the party starts and where the beauty lies. It’s got da best beaches, national parks, and chilled towns.

When I say “east” you say “coast”. Word.

West Coast


Sure, the east coast is where the party’s at. So go there and shake your booty till the small hours, night after night, till you can’t remember a thing about where you’ve been and what you’ve seen and all your photos are of anonymous people puking. Or, choose the west side and go to places so profoundly beautiful, such frivolous things as loud music and pouring piss down your gullet couldn’t be further from your mind. Think weird and wondrous rock formations, like the eerie Pinnacles (pictured); startlingly ancient rusty red gorges like Kalbarri and Karijini National Parks; think soothing the hours away in rock pools far away from silly cities; think of the groovy Bungle Bungles and all that the vast untainted wise and true wilderness the kick-assKimberley has to offer. Think of real locals, who are genuinely happy to see you and eager to share a story over a cold beer. Think real adventures, some of the time in real remoteness. Think no irritating backing track of screechy pop songs, just the long romantic road through ancient and magical landscapes and one dreamy dreamy holiday… You catch my drift, homie? The westside is keepin’ it real.

Sure, the east coast is choca with (ho) beaches. And if you like sharing your towel with another 703 people, go live there, mo-fo. West side is one big stretch of seductive unblemished sand, with no sunburnt hoodlums trying to squeeze their fat arses onto your prized piece of cloth. It’s all yours, baby. Think beaches made entirely of shells, sand that stretches for decades and the world famous deep orange sunsets of Cable Beach. Think of the jewel in the crown: Coral Bay. Not only is it postcard-perfect pretty, but it’s the neighbour of the Ningaloo Reef. Good grief, have you seen their reef? Okay, there’s some World Heritage-listing malarkey, but we don’t need no list if you catch my drift. Think of everything the Great Barrier Reef has, then add manta rays, dolphins, humpback whales, turtles and whale sharks you can swim along with. Think one boat, not 20. Think walking distance from the shore. Think gleaming turquoise waters. What you say there east side cousin? Keep dreaming. West is best.

Adrenalin he says. We got all dat and more, homie. If snorkelling along with a whale shark doesn’t get those juices flowing, try sandboarding, quad biking on dunes, sky diving over the mass of raw redness and some of the best pumping surf this side of Hawaii. And for animal action (not like that!), yow’ll look no further, than this vast junk of land. Roos – giant reds – bounce all over, camels gallop, fearless emus stretch their necks to say hello, peculiar lizards and, at Monkey Mia, friendly dolphins swim to shore every morning for a meet and greet with their land-dwelling dawgs (that’s us). It’s awesome, and you’ll want some more. The east coast may boast, but the coast with the most resides west side. Fo sheezy.