Are you a Toff or a Dagger? Do you want instant winners or to follow an underdog? Does image, location or price matter most? This should help you pick a bandwagon to jump onto.
Arsenal FC (Premier League)
Where are ya? Emirates Stadium, Holloway, north London.
Who are ya? Middle class. Gooners probably eat cous cous.
Smith says: “There’s an air of disappointment with the fans that they haven’t added some quality to the side – and with Luis Suarez likely not coming, do they have a plan B? If they do they should be pushing for the top four.”
Brass tax: Match days £26-£126; Season £985+.
Alan Smith in his heyday
AFC Wimbledon (League Two)
Where are ya? Southwest. The Cherry Red Records Stadium (Kingsmeadow), Kingston Upon Thames.
Who are ya? Conscientious, considerate, self-righteous.
Smith says: “A tremendous achievement to get where they are, coming from Combined Counties in 2002 to staying up in League Two last year. A season of consolidation for them.”
Brass tax: Match days £15-£22.
Brentford (League One)
Where are ya? West. Griffin Park, Hounslow.
Who are ya? Becoming a Bee, like baldness, is inherited.
Smith says: “Unlucky to not go up last year but they’re over that now. Manager Uwe Rosler is destined for higher things – one of the favourites in the division for promotion.”
Brass tax: Match days £20-£24.
Alan Smith now
Charlton Athletic (Championship)
Where are ya? Southeast. The Valley, Charlton.
Who are ya? Do you like Scott Parker? You’re an Addick.
Smith says: “I’d be concerned at the lack of strike power but that might change in the window. Chris Powell is a very capable manager – hopefully they can push for promotion.”
Brass tax: Match days £15-£26; Season £335.
Chelsea FC (Premier League)
Where are ya? West. Stamford Bridge, Fulham.
Who are ya? A mockney west Londoner with a second home.
Smith says: “Exciting times for the fans with the old hero Jose Mourinho back. Already a good squad but German André Schürrle is a good buy. Will be right up there but if they got Wayne Rooney it would make a huge difference.”
Brass tax: Match days £41-£87; Season £750-£1250.
Crystal Palace fan
Crystal Palace (Premier League)
Where are ya? South. Selhurst Park, South Norwood.
Who are ya? Eagles are brash, good value underdogs.
Smith says: “It’ll be a difficult for all promoted clubs. Manager Ian Holloway has experience with Blackpool in that regard though. Question is who will get the goals, but it’s never an enjoyable place to go for opposing teams.”
Brass tax: Match days £25-£45; Season £490+.
Dagenham & Redbridge (League Two)
Where are ya? East. Victoria Road, Dagenham.
Who are ya? If a bit up and down, you could be a Dagger.
Smith says: “A tough year for the Daggers. Just survived going down last year, but have a stable manager now.”
Brass tax: Match days £17-£21; Season £335-£400.
Fulham FC (Premier League)
Where are ya? West. Craven Cottage, Fulham.
Who are ya? Wanna go to a pretty ground with Aussies?
Smith says: “Interesting. They have a few good signings. Adel Taarabt on loan (QPR) along with Dimitar Berbatov means they’ve got individual talent there. Martin Jol has good players. They had a wobbly season but they’ll be OK this year.”
Brass tax: Match days £49-£70; Season £449+.
Leyton Orient (League One)
Where are ya? East. Matchroom Stadium, Leyton.
Who are ya? Little but loud? The O’s are for you!
Smith says: “A famous old club, with well-entrenched traditions. Look good in round one with a 5-1 win.”
Brass tax: Match days £14-£37; Season £300-£600.
Millwall FC (Championship)
Where are ya? Southeast. The Den, South Bermondsey.
Who are ya? Working class? A bit punchy? You’re a Lion.
Smith says: “Lost their manager Kenny Jackett after a long period. One of those places that can be a fortress, the fans make it that way, so expect them to do well at home.”
Brass tax: Match days £23-£30; Season £400-£499.
Tottenham Hotspur (Premier League)
Where are ya? North. White Hart Lane, Tottenham.
Who are ya? Overachiever? Fan of Fiddler On The Roof?
Smith says: “Gareth Bale’s possible departure is hanging over them but Roberto Soldado is good for them – they needed a striker. Paulinho is a good acquisition and they’re strong in the middle of the park to challenge the contenders.”
Brass tax: Match days £32-£81; Season £730+.
West Ham supports
West Ham (Premier League)
Where are ya? Upton Park, east London (Stratford in 2015).
Who are ya? Like metal things? Hammers are proper geezers.
Smith says: “I’m a big fan of manager Sam Allardyce. He’s secured striker Andy Carroll and if he can keep the big man fit that gives them a great spearhead in attack. I wouldn’t see them in danger of relegation this year.”
Brass tax: Match days £42-77; Season £640+.
Queens Park Rangers (Championship)
Where are ya? West. Loftus Road, Shepherd’s Bush.
Who are ya? A bit of a pessimist? Can’t decide if you wanna be a big fish in a little pond or the other way around? A Hoop.
Smith says: “The strongest team in the Championship. Harry Redknapp knows what it takes and they’ll be the team everyone wants to beat, which will bring its own problems. Every match day will be like a final. I’d expect them to bounce back up to the Premier League though.”
Brass tax: Match days £20-£35; Season £509+.
Who’s your new team playing this week?
Saturday, Aug 18: ARSENAL v Aston Villa; Sunderland v FULHAM; WEST HAM v Cardiff City.
Sun: CRYSTAL PALACE v TOTTENHAM (1.30pm, Sky 1); CHELSEA v Hull City (4pm, Sky 1)
Saturday: Barnsley v CHARLTON ATHLETIC; MILLWALL v Huddersfield; QUEENS PARK RANGERS v Ipswich
Saturday: Gillingham v BRENTFORD; Stevenage v LEYTON ORIENT
Saturday: Exeter v AFC WIMBLEDON; Scunthorpe v DAGENHAM & REDBRIDGE
(All matches 3pm unless otherwise stated)
Smith spoke to TNT in his role as an analyst for Sky Sports, which kicks off its biggest ever football season with 116 Premier League matches, including every club twice before December and all matches between last season’s top four.