What does your job entail?

“It’s essentially a year of hard graft for one night of glory – the most stressful part is, I find, delivering presents to billions of children over a twenty four-hour period. Essentially, my job entails working out who’s been naughty or nice, and delivering an appropriate gift under the cover of darkness by breaking into their home and leaving the present in an easy-to-find location. However, I’ve never had the heart to leave out the kids who have been naughty, so everyone gets a present. I tell you, if I wasn’t such a soft touch, it would make my life a LOT easier. There are so many naughty children out there.”

What’s the best bit?

“The women! You’d be amazed how many girls find the whole, ‘Oh, look at my bulging sack joke,’ funny. It’s mainly the bored housewives that need the Santa touch; I find them half-cut, sitting around the fire, fiddling with the mince pies and carrots. Let’s just say that I give their chimneys a good seeing-to. Oh, and the food – lots of families are breaking with tradition these days and leaving me stuff like sushi or stuffed vine leaves, which I’m partial to.”

And the worst?

“Dogs. Always interfering, sniffing round me and barking. They get on my nerves.”

How did you get your job?

“I actually started my career as a postman, and then one day my boss took me aside and said there was a big job going – might involve relocation to the North Pole, thermal undies 24/7, but there’d be plenty of overtime. I can tell you, I feel like a bit of a mug sometimes – to think that I used to moan about trudging around Stepney in the piece-of-piss British winter.”

What qualifications/experience do you need?

”You’ll need at least two A-Levels and I would only employ someone who comes from a background where they have had to deal with ungrateful shits day in, day out.”

What advice would you give someone who would like a job such as yours?

“Don’t get married, ever. There is so much variety in the world for a young person. Also – you’ll need patience, especially when dealing with elves. You’ll need to be skilled at deciphering poorly-written lists, and good at languages. And watch your weight – it’s no fun struggling to beat a hasty exit when there’s a raging husband demanding to know why his wife has been bonking you in the drawing room.”

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